


So Far Away

by Angmar



Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Depression, F/M, Family, Friendship, Grief/Mourning, Love, Revenge
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2019-07-23
Packaged: 2019-07-23 09:49:29
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 48
Words: 32,915
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16156598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Angmar/pseuds/Angmar
Summary: Dís and Thorin lose everything when orcs capture Moria. Looking for shelter, they end up in a beautiful place. When Thorin leaves his sister and little nephews behind to search for his father, Dís faces a devilish dilemma: she has to choose between the safety of her sons and the well-being of the people that took care of them. (Pre-Hobbit setting)





	1. Prologue

The red carpet on which they were sitting, contrasted with the green grass that surrounded them.

With a smile Dís glanced at her two sons, who ran through the grass and tried to catch butterflies. Kíll constantly fell over his own legs, but his brother helped him on his feet every time.

"It's peaceful here."

Dís turned her face away and looked at her husband. "Yes, it is."

He threw his arms around her and pressed a kiss on her hair line. Dís closed her eyes for a moment and enjoyed the warm sun beams on her face. She loved the open air, more than she did before.

She harboured this moment, in which her family seemed free from sorrows. A lot had happened the last years. Her homeland was burned by a dragon and they had wandered through the lands, hungry and longing for a roof above their heads. It had taken years before they found shelter in the Blue Mountains, where they tried to start a new life. There she had given birth to her two boys.

She however didn't know if she could stay here forever. Rumours spread that orcs were gathering, eager to capture the mountains. It was only a matter of time before they would show their faces here.

She opened the basket and took a bowl with fruit. "I got something delicious for you!"

Fíli ran to her immediately, followed a few seconds later by his little brother, who climbed on her legs and clapped his hands.

"Tawbewwies!" he yelled and tried to stick his hand in the bowl, but Dís pulled him away while laughing.

"Just wait a minute, darling."

She ran with her fingers through his dark hair and then noticed the bowl became lighter. Fíli looked at her with mischievous sparkling eyes.

"'Keep something for your brother, eh!"

Fili nodded heavily. "And for mommy and daddy."

He pushed a strawberry between everyone's lips and in the end maintained two. "And these are for uncle Thorin and uncle Frerin!"

Famin smiled and took his son on his lap. "Keep them save."

He laid his hand on that of Dís and for the first time she felt happy since a very long time. It was a moment she embraced in her heart. On which she would fall back in darker times.

"I love you, Dís," Famin whispered when the day ended and they had brought the kids to bed. He wrapped his arms around her and hugged her tightly.

"I love you too."

He petted her hair. "I promise you I will always be there for you, whenever you need me."

Dís looked into his eyes and believed him.

Neither of them them could have known that Famin would break his promise before the end of the month.


	2. Thorin

Thorin had the feeling someone grabbed his heart and slowly but firmly squeezed it. Blood spattered on his face when the giant orc swung the head of his grandfather. Frozen of pain he watched the head bouncing towards him. His eyes followed every turn of it, until it bumped against his foot. He felt so much desolation that he could only open his mouth and scream like a dying man.

Despite the warning cries around him, he could not take his eyes off his grandfather's face. His eyes looked straight at him, as if he wanted to give him a final order. "Save our people."

Thorin swallowed and managed to turn his attention to the massive orc. He raised his sword and ran up the slope, straight to his enemy, who was twice as big as he was. It felt like his grandfather urged him to destroy this creature, that had brought his family so much misery.

When their swords met, Thorin had the feeling the tendons were torn from his shoulder. He yelled out. His chest swelled by the hate that filled him. He would kill that orc, even if it was the last thing he would do. He did not care if he would die with him.

Azog drew his weapon and rammed a dwarf who was in his way a few meters aside. Thorin's heart pounded in his throat as he was hit again, but this time his sword was beaten out of his hands. His thumb bent double and went out of joint, but there was no time to think about that. He crawled back, in vain searching for something with which he could defend himself. He raised his shield when the huge orc struck again, but it splintered under the violence of his opponent.

Thorin's brain stopped working when Azog waved his weapon in the air again. He touched around and his fingers found a piece of oak. Just when his death blow hurtled towards him, he pushed the thick piece of wood between them. The pale orc was not prepared for this and Thorin got on his feet again. He snatched his sword from the ground and cut off the arm of his enemy. 

Dark drops of blood fell on him while Azog's screams filled the air. His eardrums trembled. He pushed his finger back into the joint, picked up the piece of oak and watched the orc flee back to his fortress.

Scattered, he looked around. They were obviously a minority. They would all be killed, even now the captain had fled like a beaten dog.

"Back off!" He shouted to the men who'd served his grandfather. He tried to discover his father between the dwarves and orcs, but he didn't see the man and he couldn't wait for his command.

The men listened to him and began to withdraw. The orcs snarled and spat on them and some chased them, but many were covered with wounds from and were done with it now their leader had fled as well.

"Back!" he shouted again.

This was a battle they couldn't win. Moria was lost.

Thorin drove his sword into the chest of an orc that blocked his way and moved on, urging his comrades to leave this places. Blood stained his forearms red while he severed all what crossed his path. No matter how much blood flew, nothing could compensate the losses of that day.

It would always remain a dark chapter in his life.


	3. Dís

With a beating heart Dís lifted Kíli and put him on her side while she took Fíli by the hand and descended the stairs, that brought them outside.

They were welcomed by a grey sky, that spat big water drops to the ground. She held her son slightly firmer against her and tried not to be paralyzed by the fear that was fueled by this lurid weather. They were just innocent raindrops, not comparable to the signs that had proclaimed the coming of the dragon.

In the distance she saw the procession. Soon whispers went around that the amount of survivors was terribly low. Anxiety gnawed her and she bit her fingernails as she thought of all the men who'd left to help Moria. Her grandfather. Her father. Her brothers. Her husband.

* * *

When she heard how small the number of survivors was, her heart sank. She was convinced that at least one of her relatives had been killed and waiting until she knew more, was terrible. She glanced briefly at Kíli, who pushed his head against her chest and seemed to feel the tension. Fíli said no word and his fingers were lifeless in her hand, though it was perhaps her own hand that had become dead.

It seemed to take hours before the men reached the mountain. On the one hand, she was so nervous that she wanted to run to them to see if they'd made it, on the other hand she was so afraid of what she would see that she wished many more hours would pass before she would discover which men did not return home.

The gloomy procession walked between them. All eyes were directed downward. Dís saw no one who was not injured. Some of them were covered in so much blood they were not even recognizable anymore.

"Moria has fallen."

The rumour spread like wildfire, but Dís did not care. All she wanted to know was whether her husband and brothers were alive. Slowly the men walked by, but she recognized none of them.

Was it true? Had nobody survived?

It was customary her father walked in front, along with his sons, but those were already passed and she'd not seen them.

"Where's daddy?" Fíli began to ask. He tugged at her arm and tried to see along the other bystanders.

Dís did not answer. 

The procession was almost completed and there were only a few who stumbled on. The latter, who could hardly walk.

"Thorin!" she screamed as her eye caught her brother. He held another dwarf standing. She ran toward him.

She had the feeling she choked when she saw who he supported. "Frerin!"

She put Kíli on the ground and crouched next to her youngest brother. He looked past her glassy, as if he no longer knew who she was.

Her breathing quickened and she began to panic. "He needs help," she whispered, but Thorin gazed at her firmly. He knew that their brother was beyond saving, even though he did not want to leave him.

Kíli sauntered around his uncles and looked around asking. "Daddy? Where's my dad?"

Thorin put a bloody hand on his head and looked at her in silence. Slowly, he shook his head. 

Dís' stomach seemed to turn around. She sank to her knees, but there was no one who could catch her. Staggered she sat on the floor, staring at the dust.

"Famin," she whispered. Her throat was dry. She took a few deep breaths and tried to calm down. She could not show her grief in front of her children. She could -

Dís could do nothing at all. Her shoulders began to shake and she fell to the ground. She curled up as a tiny, little child and screamed so loud that her children began to cry too, but their shrieks let her heart cold. She'd raised her knees and buried her face in her arms while she cried and cried wile the tears seemed to drown her.


	4. Thorin

"We have to leave, Dís." Thorin placed a hand between her shoulders. She turned to face him. The empty look in her eyes hurt him and he hugged her.

A week had passed since the defeat of Moria. It was rumoured that Azog had sworn to exterminate the rest of his family. He was not safe here, and he doubted his sister was.

"Where should we go, Thorin?" she whispered. "It seems like the whole world is on fire."

He had no answer. Before Smaug had moved into Erebor, he could have named enough kingdoms where they could go to, but now he was doubting. All dwarf kingdoms were attacked by orcs. It was only a matter of time before the Blue Mountains and the Iron Hills would fall. The Grey Mountains were an option, but he had heard rumors that something dark stirred in the darkness there. Moreover, the Wood-elves had turned their backs to them years ago, so they couldn't turn to them.

"I don't know," he replied, "but I promise you I will find a place where the kids are safe."

Where she was safe, even though he suspected she no longer cared for her own safety.

It was difficult to leave the others, but what could he do for them? They were not strong enough to take back the mountain. They were no match for their enemies and his people could better join the larger colonies.

Thorin did not look back when he left the Blue Mountains behind. They had three ponies, including one for the ballast. Fíli sat for him and stared ahead. Although he would've found a ride like this great under other circumstances, the loss of his father pressed heavily upon him. Even Kíli, who was too young to understand what had happened, looked sad, seized by the sadness of the rest of his family.

He decided to go first to the hills of Evendim. There were a few villages where they could replenish their supplies. He was not very familiar with this region and all he knew, was that the road would take him to the Hobbit Lands. He knew they couldn't stay there, the hobbits didn't like foreigners and when they heard that they were fleeing from an enormous orc, they would probably faint.

A sigh left his lips as he petted Fíli's hair. Would they send the children away as well? He knew too little about that people to say anything about it, but if Azog found them, he would find little resistance. They could better look for a village of men in Gondor and Rohan, but these areas were so far south that it made him giddy.

Thorin was glad when they passed the great plains, and forests offered them some cover. The forests were fresh and green. There lived enough rodents that could keep his family alive and there were plenty of rivers, thus they wouldn't die of thirst

When evening came, they tied the ponies and looked for a place to make a camp. He looked worried at Dís. She hadn't spoken a single word the entire trip and did not respond to Kíli when he tugged at her hand, weeping because he was hungry.

"We'll have dinner, Kíli," Thorin said. "Let your mom alone for a moment."

He opened the flap of one of the saddlebags and gazed the stuff they had snatched together. He lit the tinderbox in his pocket and gave Fíli the order to gather some wood on the edge of the path. He himself walked to Dís and pushed a flask in her hands. "I know you feel that nothing matters anymore," he whispered. "But your boys need you." He gently touched her cheek. "I need you."

She did not answer, but turned the cap from the bottle and put it in her mouth in silence.

Thorin smiled when his eldest nephew returned with his arms full of branches, but it hurt when he realized that he needed the help of a ten year old child. A child should go on an adventure with his father, instead of ensuring that his family was warm tonight. He suppressed a sigh, but knew he could not do everything alone. 


	5. Dís

Days turned into weeks. Dís couldn't say that she was getting used to this life, as the continuous traveling, the few moments of rest and the underlying sadness made her tired. The only advantage was that she fell asleep like a baby at night and forgot the pain a while, although it returned as soon as the sun rose and Thorin woke her.

Dís knew she had to restrain the sadness, so she wouldn't lose sight of reality. Her children needed her, but sometimes it was terribly tempting to relive her memories with Famin, to feel his arms around her and to hear his voice again.

But before she realized it, the tears already rolled down her cheeks and she saw his lifeless face again. It was as if someone threw a mourning robe over her shoulders, and she could do nothing but sobbing uncontrollably while her children watched her with trembling lips. But that was not what caused the most pain. That was her brother, who turned away his face and sighed inaudibly. He believed she was weak. He never said it, but she read it in his eyes. He thought she had to get over the death of her beloved, as he had done.

"'Focus on the children," he simply said. "Rejoice the fact that they are still alive."

It was not enough. As much as she loved her children, they did not fill the gaping hole. Kíli had the dark eyes of his father. Fíli's blonde hair reminded her of the man she missed so much and she would never see again.

She did not know how to move on. The light in her eyes was extinguished and she had no idea how to set it on fire again. She couldn't imagine she would ever feel better. Thorin still had no idea where they were going. He said they would find something, but she couldn't figure out where. The towns of men were far away and there were hundreds of orcs that kept them at a distance. Furthermore the towns of men were not safe enough. They had no towering walls that hindered Azog. They were just an invitation to be burned.

"Here is an inn." Thorin sent his horse into a turn and there was a wooden gate. Very slowly they rode inside. There were several people around, both of small and tall seize and Dís suspected they wouldn't attract attention. 

"Where are we?" Dís wanted to know.

"In Bree."

"Is it safe here?"

Thorin put his hand on hers and released her fingers around the reins, which she had squeezed unconsciously in pronouncing the last words.

"We will be save tonight."

They brought their horses into a stall. Thorin paid the groom and then took them to an inn. He whispered his name, received a key and lifted up Kíli.

Without saying a word Dís followed her brother upstairs while Fíli stumbled up behind her.

A moment later, she sank down on a wide bed. It was made for humans, but they could easily sleep on it together. She stared blankly at her hands, which were grazed by pulling the reins over and over again.

"This is nice for a night, right?"

Thorin looked at her and Dís nodded almost imperceptibly. It should indeed fulfill her with joy that she didn't have to sleep on the ground for the first time they'd left the Blue Mountains, but she still felt empty. 

"I will ask if we can eat something."

Dís heard the door fall into the lock and she looked beside her on the bed. Kíli had crawled to his brother and had fallen asleep. Fíli stroked his hair and put his finger to his mouth when he caught the eye of his mother. "Shh."

A hint of a smile appeared on her face and she took her boys in her arms. She hid her face in Fíli's hair and inhaled his scent, a mix of conifers and sweat. Like his father, who always had wandered more through the woods than was usual for a dwarf. She wondered whether that would be the same for her sons. Would they be as strong as he was? She hoped. She hoped they would not become as weak as her.


	6. Thorin

Thorin led his sister and nephews to the corner of the room. It was a little away from the other tables and although the shadows received them, he still had the feeling there was a spotlight on his head. Would Azog already have sent out his men? Did they knew he had fled, together with what remained of his family?

Softly he made an order to a boy who was barely taller than himself. He ordered a jug of water and four plates of food.

When the waiter walked away, he turned his attention to Dís. She stared at the tabletop. Her expression was exactly the same as the moment she'd seen her husband disappear beneath the ground.

"Mom, can I braid your hair?"

Thorin looked gratefully at Fíli. Sometimes it seemed as if he sensed what was going on. As if he knew his mother was deeply introverted and he wanted to lure her to show herself again.  
It had effect, because a rare smile appeared on her face and she moved a little to the side, so that Fíli could climb on her chair. His hands slid through her dark hair, where he picked up the strands.

Thorin was moved by his young nephew, but the harsh reality that Fíli's own father would never see this, did freeze the smile on his face. He thought of his own brother, who hadn't even found a woman to share a life with. He'd always been alone and Thorin wondered if the same fate was waiting for him. Being with a woman was not common among dwarfs, only because there were few dwarf women. He considered Fíli and Kíli more or less as his own children, especially now their father was dead. Yet, although he was very fond of Dís, she was still his sister. Some things you just shared with your life partner and since neither of them had one now, he did not know what toll it would require.

Thorin nodded when the food was served. He shoved Kíli's plate to himself to cut the meat into pieces. The boy followed his movements with big eyes, as if he wanted to remember everything.

"Why is there no place for daddy?" Kíli asked suddenly. "Is he again not eating with us tonight?"

Thorin saw Dís lowered her glance. It was not the first time her son made a comment like this and it would not be the last time. After all, he was too young to understand all this.

"Daddy is far away from here," Thorin said. He grabbed the hand of the boy and pushed it against his chest. "But remember that he is always here. He knows exactly what is happening to us and he will try to help us."

"How?" Fíli asked, who again had slipped on his own chair. Although there was a sad look in his eyes, he was obviously very curious.

"That's a secret only fathers know," he winked. "But if you need him, he will be there for you. Your father might not be with you, but he is in you."

Fíli smiled and began to cut his food.

"Should we not keep some food for him?" Kíli asked confused.

"He is in your heart," Thorin repeated, "so you must eat extra food for him."

The boy nodded solemnly and then leaned over his plate. A hint of a smile touched Thorin's lips as he thought of his own father. However he had believed his own words; he himself did not feel the presence of his father and he retained the feeling that he was on his own. He could only hope that the credulity of children would exclude the worst grief.


	7. Dís

For three days they stayed in Bree, until Thorin decided it was time to go. Dís had spent most of the time in bed, but she still felt tired. She wanted to return to the Blue Mountains. Back to the home she'd shared with her husband, so there was at least something tangible. So she could curl up under the blankets in which they'd slept together and that still held his scent.

She knew she had to pay more attention to her children, but she just couldn't. It was as if she was in a glass container, which was filled with water, with hundreds of dwarfs around it. She screamed and cried, but none of them could hear her, while the water choked her.

Something invisible hindered the contact with her boys. The things she wanted to say to them, got stuck in her throat and the words they said to her, were not processed by her brain.

"Maybe you should go without me," Dís whispered desperate when Thorin stood in the doorway, looking at her.

"Why?" Fíli asked in shock.

The colour disappeared from Dís' face. She hadn't seen that her son had climbed on the back of her brother.

Thorin whispered something to him, and he nodded and walked away. Then he closed the door and stepped towards her.

"You cannot say such things, Dís!" Thorin sighed indignantly. "Your sons have already lost their father! The don't need a mother who gives up!"

Dís knew those words should hurt her, but she felt nothing. Nothing. "I feel so empty," she whispered. 'So - dead. "

Thorin sat down beside her and grabbed her hand, but she could not feel his warmth. "It will get easier, Dís. The pain will become less. "

"But I feel no pain," she murmured, staring at the ground. "I feel nothing at all. And that scares me to death."

Thorin looked silently at her for a while. "You  _have_  to get a grip on yourself again."

"You think I haven't tried?" she murmured. "I just can't. I just want... to die."

"Don't say that."

Tears appeared in his eyes. Her words broke his heart, but his tears faded at the litters she'd shed herself.

"You're all I have." He squeezed her hand.

Dís stared at his fingers and tried to feel the pressure they exerted.

"You've already lost me," she whispered. "Maybe you are the one who has to face that loss."

Thorin released her. The look in his eyes was a mixture of disbelief, sadness and fear.

"I won't," he replied firmly. "Your children need you!"

Dís shrugged. "They're better off with you."

"But you're their mother! I cannot always care for them, Dís! I need to find father once I've arranged a safe place for you. You need to take care of your own children, especially now Famin is not capable of it! Did dad gave up when mom died? What would have become of us if he had done so? "

"But he was strong," she murmured.

Thorin wrapped his arms around her and pressed his forehead against hers. "You're also strong, Dís. You just need to open your eyes and stop wandering around in the darkness of your thoughts."

Dís stared into his blue eyes, that had been able to calm her down when she was a child having nightmares. She believed him. She really did. She just did not know how to respond to those words.


	8. Thorin

The worries about his sister were growing every day, for her gloomy behavior did not change. It had been a while since they'd left the hobbit lands. They walked through green valleys, along babbling brooks and colorful fields. It aroused an innocent, peaceful impression. Sometimes he believed  this could be the right place for his sister and the children. There was, however, no community to be found, which must be the cause of the serene atmosphere of this landscape.

The journey broke him. He constantly had to divide his attention between the children and Dís. Sometimes he was afraid  his sister would step into a ravine because she could no longer bear her pain. In all fairness, he had to confess that such nightmares plagued him all night. Every morning he got up in fear and looked around in panic to see if she was still with them. Fortunately, time after time he found her rolled in her blanket, with traces of tears on her face. But for him the tears had become a sign that she was alive. That she had found enough courage to go on, though he dared not to think further and wonder what would happen as the light in her eyes faded for good.

As if the state of his sister was't difficult enough, the boys also called for more attention. Kíli could barely walk and had to be carried on his shoulders most of the time. The weight of his nephew was however not exhausting him, despite his inability to sit still. He often hit the head of his uncle in his enthusiasm of seeing something he'd never seen before.

Fíli rushed occasionally into the bushes when he saw a butterfly or another animal that caught his attention, and every time Thorin needed to get the boy back by raising his voice. He would love to give the boy the freedom to explore everything, but he had no energy for that. He wanted to keep an eye on everyone at the same time and that was impossible as Fíli chose an alternative path.

Despite Thorins precautions he failed to keep them out of trouble. Five creatures jumped out of the bushes that surrounded them. Fili pulled the knife Thorin had given him and stood protectively in front of his mother, but Thorin grabbed his shoulder and pulled him back.

"What do you want?" he asked roughly to the men who grinned at him. They were humans. They looked  just as sloppy as Thorin and his family and they all had a weapon in their  hands. Thorin dared to confront them, but that was only possible if he left the children to their fate, and that was excluded.

"Everything." One of them stepped forward. "Let's start with that beautiful coat of yours."

A shiver crept down his spine when one of them dropped his eye on his sister. "And I would like to see you take off your clothes too, lady."

"No," Thorin growled. "Leave her alone."

One of the men laughed. "Or what?" He aimed an arrow at Fíli.

Thorin squeezed his hands together of powerlessness. If they gave off everything, they would die anyway. Then they had nothing to clothe themselves, prepare food or protect themselves against orcs or predators.

Grumbling he began to remove his cloak while he thought feverishly. His eyes flickered to the sword around his waist, but his opponent saw it immediately.

"Give me that."

Thorin wanted to shake his head, for he saw that one of the men was smirking at his sister. He  wanted to rush toward him to tear out his eyes, but he saw no way to do that without putting his little nephews in danger. 


	9. Dís

Dís stared at the men that surrounded them. Thorin had taken his clothes off on their command, but she couldn't move. One of them screamed at her that she had to take her clothes off as well, but  the thought only already scared her to death.

"If you don't listen to us, you will have to live with a kid less."

She saw that Fíli wanted to open his mouth, but Thorin silenced him with a warning glance.

With her eyes aimed at the ground she did what the man asked her to do. She took off her fur coat, followed by the undershirt of mail that Thorin had given to her the day before they left. She did not take off her underwear.

"Come to me." 

One of the men had an awful grin on his face and she shrunk back in fear. Her eyes flashed to the weapon that was aimed at her son. Did she have a choice? She hadn't felt anything those last days. She shouldn't care about the things those men would do to her, but she did. She didn't want anyone to touch her and she knew that was exactly what those men wanted from her.

In despair she glanced at Thorin, but his face showed ghastly features. He could not help her and she knew that. Everybody knew that.

With shaking legs she walked to the man that had called her. Terrified she looked at him. His glance wandered over her body and he seemed to like what he saw.

"I go first," he said to the other men. One of them made a discontented sound, but the other gestured that he better stopped whining.

"Leave her alone!" Thorin screamed fiercely when he realized more than one man would touch his sister.

"Shut up," another man answered. 

In a flash he pulled back the string of his bow and an arrow swished through the air. Both her scream and that of Thorin echoed through the wood. She saw how Thorin tried to push Fíli away, but the distance was too little. The projectile pierced Fíli's lower leg. 

Dís bend forward and vomited when she saw that the arrow stuck out of his leg. The cries of her eldest son were the biggest torment she'd ever experienced and she didn't care any longer when the man dragged her along and pushed her onto the ground.

Dís sobbed loudly, with such whines it sounded as if she was dying. She no longer cared for her own body, but thought about her boy that was dying from pain. She had to give the man everything she had. It was the only thing that could save her children.

"You're the first dwarf I fuck,' he grinned while he tore her underwear. A few moments later she was lying on the ground stark naked. She cried no longer. She didn't even struggle when his filthy hands glided over her upper body. She only snivelled, waiting until it was over.

The struggle however came back when he pushed her knees aside. She wanted to do whatever the man wanted from her, so that her children would be safe, but her body didn't listen to her. She started to writhe wildly again and tried to kick the man, but he was much taller than she and he would break her resistance anyway. It didn't even seem to harm him. He probably even liked it. She closed her eyes when she felt his stiff extremity touch her thigh, on its way to the place only one man had ever touched.

Suddenly the man fell next to her. In confusion Dís looked aside. It all happened so abruptly she did not understand what was going on, but she saw an arrow sticking out of his head. Blood welled up from the wound and colored his rough face red. Afraid Dís looked around. Between the trees she saw a slim figure, but before she could blink her eyes, he was already gone.


	10. Thorin

With fear in his heart Thorin looked at the young boy that sat at the ground sobbing. Kíli stood next to him with a pale face, but he wasn't allowed to move. His thoughts wandered to his sister, who underwent the umpteenth terror. It was unfair and he was angry on the gods, who tolerated this injustice. Apparently they were chased away by the orcs as well, or by the dark power leading them.

Thorin's mouth however dropped when someone with an arrow on his bow appeared. The men laughed together while they divided his clothes. They didn't notice the stranger. But before Thorin could warn them – not that he intended to do so – they fell forward, all of them with an arrow sticking out of their heads.

Thorin immediately stepped towards the boys and stood protectively before them, although the dead bodies convinced him this stranger wasn't here to harm them.

"Dís!" A relieved sigh left his lips when his sister appeared from behind their saviour. She rushed towards them and embraced him while crying. Soon however she let go of him and bowed over Kíli. She pressed a kiss on his head and kneeled next to Fíli.

"It's going to be all right," she hushed while fondling his hair.

Thorin studied her face. This event had awakened her again. He walked to the pile of clothes and started to dress himself, while he glanced hesitating at the tall figure that searched the dead bodies. Thorin saw he put away a dagger in his robe.

"Thank you."

Two eyes that were as blue as the sea looked at him. His attention slid to the bow that hung over his shoulder. The top was decorated and from a different manufacture than the bows of their opponents.

"What are you doing here?" a cold voice sounded.

"We are looking for a new home."

Disdainful laughing made his shoulders hang.

"Here?"

"Wherever there's place for us." His stem sounded a little doubtful.

"Dwarves never come here."

He was distracted by Fíli's cries. "Can you help us?"

Thorin didn't receive an answer, but the other walked by. The stranger knelt next to Fíli and by that movement the hood slit aside, revealing a pointy ear. An elf. He wasn't surprised and hope arose. Maybe he was able to cure Fíli.

Thorin took Dís' clothes from the ground and gave it to her, while he observed the face of the elf. It was not a man, although the traits in her face were quite hard. She had a deep scar that immediately claimed all attention, stretching from her forehead to the left corner of her mouth.

"I will take you to Imladris."

Thorin had no idea what to say, but he was really happy with that announcement. He lift up the kid, who whined softly. Thorin knew he tried to be strong, but the pain was too overpowering.

Dís took Kíli's hand and they followed the woman, who stepped over the dead bodies. 

"What's your name?" Thorin asked curiously.

She looked into his eyes shortly, but aimed her alert eyes forward soon. "That is of no importance."

Thorin considered his words for a moment, but still went through. "I have to tell the children who saved them."

A disdainful sniffing was the only reaction he got, by which he raised his eyebrows in surprise.

"A name is nothing but a name."

"Still I would like to know."

"Then come up with a name yourself."

Thorin couldn't remember he'd ever met such a stubborn creature before, but he wouldn't complain about it. She had still saved their lives, while she was an elf. She could have left them to die as well.

While Thorin walked behind her, he realized she was more careful than he was. As long as they were hunted, it was better if he was silent about his name as well. "Is it far?" He couldn't take over her silence. He was impressed by the things she'd done, despite her distant attitude and not so friendly words.

"It will be when you keep talking to me."

Thorin considered these words as a treat and he kept his mouth shut, although his eyes assimilated every move she made. She moved gracious and was easily absorbed into the shadows, a talent he wished he had too.

 

 


	11. Dís

Dís tightly held Kíli's hand. Thorin carried Fíli, who couldn't stand on his legs anymore. She hoped Imladris was near, since her son looked pale and despite the good care of the elf woman she was terrified he wouldn't make it.

Her brother tried to start a conversation with the woman who'd helped them, but he wasn't very successful and in the end they walked in silence after each other through the forest, that cast long shadows upon them.

Dís was barely recovered from shock. She could still feel the filthy hands on her upper body. His disgusting breath still hanged in her nostrils, but she tried to focus on the unexpected turn things had taken: she was saved before she was dishonored. Still she thought to see shadows that weren't coming from the trees, as if evil men hid behind the barks and watched them with foul grins. Now and then goose bumps appeared on her arms, as if the ghosts of their attackers hovered behind them, determined to revenge themselves.

"We can't rest tonight," the elf woman announced after the sun had set, "but it isn't far."

A relieved sigh left Dís' lips. She was tired, but knew she wouldn't sleep tonight. Not after what had happened today.

Kíli couldn't go any further. His eyes closed sometimes while he was walking next to her and his steps became shorter. She knew she had to carry him, but she was dead tired as well. Still she didn't dare to ask the elf. She appeared to be a lousy mother if she asked if someone could carry her child. With squeezing jaws she lifted up Kíli and put him on her side. He immediately put a finger in his mouth and laid his head to her shoulder. She glanced at his peaceful face. Once again she realized the danger they'd faced. Her children could have died.

"Give him to me." 

Dís looked uncertain at the woman. She didn't want to hand over Kíli. She didn't want to admit  she was exhausted, but it was absurd to fight when she didn't need to. Sometimes it was courageous to accept a helping hand was a better solution than to keep going on stubbornly.

With mixed feelings she gave Kíli to the woman. She still hadn't said her name, but after her answer to Thorin Dís didn't dare to ask for it. It was her own choice to be anonymous, although Dís wondered why she wanted that so badly. Why did she wander alone in the forest? Would the shadows make her nervous as well? For some reason Dís couldn't imagine. At first sight she seemed to fear nothing.

Dís didn't know how much time had passed when they went into a small tunnel. It was darker than in the forest and even though Dís was used to darkness, as were all dwarves, she didn't particularly like it and grabbed Thorin's hand. He squeezed her fingers softly.

"We're almost there," he said.

Only a few moments passed before Thorin's words became reality. They stepped out of the tunnel and the view Dís saw before her eyes, took away her breath. The full moon shone upon a beautiful valley, that was crossed by shining streamlets. The sound of splashing water was everywhere and a fresh breeze waved through their hair.

In the distance hymns sounded that were unmistakeably coming from elves. Finally Dís had the feeling they'd reached their destiny, although it remained to be seen if they could stay here.

"I won't go any further."

The woman gave back Kíli. 

Her words surprised Dís. "Why not?"

"I don't think a dwarf will ever be able to understand my reasons."

Thorin moved restlessly. He was on the verge  of making an angry remark, but Dís quickly squeezed his hand.

"Thank you for everything."

The woman stared shortly at them, bowed her head and disappeared in the dark tunnel. Reluctantly Dís turned around. She looked at the splendid beauty of the valley that laid before her and unintentionally she wondered if this was only external disguise. What was the reason the elf wanted to leave? Was there a malicious person in charge of this community? Was the peaceful sight of the by waterfalls surrounded city nothing but a delusion?  

 

 


	12. Thorin

Thorin somehow felt lost when the woman left them. Why didn't she help them further? She surely wasn't obligatory to help them, but he found it odd and he wanted to know why she refused to come along.

"Ssh," he comforted Fíli. The boy was crying softly and Thorin pushed his nose against his cheek. "They will help us here."

He had no idea where they actually were. The city before him was lighted by thousands of lights which seemed to move. There was a mysterious atmosphere, as if they had entered a land that only existed in ancient books. He laid his hand upon Dís' shoulder, pushing her gently. Together they walked over the path, deeper into the valley.

Whispering voices that sang strange melodies followed them and caused goosebumps on Thorin's arms. Elves. 

He had only met a few in his life. He'd only seen the wood elves that had paid their tribute and had betrayed them when Smaug intruded the Lonely Mountain. That memory caused a bitter taste in his mouth, although his angry feelings were tempered by the help that was offered to them and the fact that they were the only ones who could help his nephew.

"Are you okay?" he softly asked Dís. He noticed she was short of breath, which often happened when she was nervous. 

The moonlight revealed that she nodded shortly. "I just hope we will be welcome. The elf that saved us clearly hadn't much fate."

Thorin thought about her words and just hoped it wasn't the king of this strange land that had prevented her from coming further. 

All those time they saw nobody. It made him nervous, for their songs made clear they were around and they probably observed them from the trees.

"Hey!" he called, maybe a little impolite. "Is there anybody who can help us?"

He didn't want to let Fíli die because the elves liked to play a game with them. 

Nobody answered and Fíli started to cry louder. Even though his cries tore his heart apart, he didn't comfort the boy. Maybe it wasn't just his heart that was grasped by the shrieks of the little boy.

The situation did not change and Thorin started to lose his patience. He just wanted to call again when he saw two figures. They were both elves with dark hair and they stood in the middle of the path, as if they'd came out of the ground. 

Now somebody had heard them, Thorin didn't know what to say. To his surprise, his sister started to talk. 

"My son is wounded," she said. Her voice sounded so sad he believed even an orc would give in. "Can you help him? Please?"

"Of course." The voice of the elf was lower than Thorin had expected, as if it absorbed Dís' distress. 

For a moment his glance went over Thorin's face, but then he turned around. "Please, follow us."

The other elf walked to Dís to take over Kíli, who was sleeping again. He was glad he could carry his own nephew himself. Despite his exhaustion and fear, he didn't want to give away the boy, not even to elves who seemed friendly and whose expertise they needed.   
  



	13. Dís

Dís tried to keep ahead of the tension by looking around. The streams were surrounded by high, white buildings that bathed in a light blue gloom. It was probably the reflection of the moonlight, but Dís had never seen something like that and she could only credit its beauty to magic. 

The elf houses were high and turreted, as if they all tried to come as close to the stars as possible. Arched bridges connected the buildings and the white stones that lied upon the path glittered like a silver wedding dress. A sigh slipped her lips. This place seemed so perfect it could only be an illusion, a facade to veil something horrific.

They crossed a square. To the right of them was a fountain that waded transparent water. It made Dís remember her thirst and the other things that bothered her: her hungry stomach, her hurt feet and her heavy eyelids. 

On the square stood a building that was larger than the others. White pillars arose out of the ground and bore a triangular roof. The walls were smooth and simple, without complex carvings and sculpted figures. The simplicity emphasized its beauty and it made her hold her breath. It differed from the palace she'd lived in, but it was unmistakably the home of a king. An elf king.

The two elves spoke some words to the guards that stood at the end of the shining stairs. 

"Come in," someone said.

Dís stretched her hand towards the balustrade and lifted herself up step by step. The stairway was made for creatures that were twice as tall as she was, so it took a lot of effort to get to the top. Fíli would however be helped when she got there and that promise helped her to move on.

Once she was there, she intertwined her fingers while walking behind the elves that took her son to a chamber. The roof was open and moonlight shone inside, upon a bed with a pallid blanket.

"Lord Elrond is on his way," an elf announced. 

Dís stared out of the window. How would the man react on their arrival? It was in the middle of the night and they kept him from sleeping. From the corner of her eyes she noticed Thorin paced up and down as well. Kíli however was most calm of all of them. He had wrapped his arms around his brother's body and leaned with his head against his shoulder.

A hint of a smile appeared on her face when she saw her children. She was glad they had each other. Nothing was more important than family. Those relationships rose above passion and friendship and it warmed her heart to see the bond between her sons. Dís herself didn't know what she would have done without Thorin and she felt lucky that he still cared so much about her, just as Kíli and Fíli did.

The smile froze on her face when an elf entered the room. The expression on his face was earnest and there was nothing that showed that he had been sleeping. His hair was just as dark as hers and a thin crown circled around his head. 

"Show our guests a room," he said to the two elves who'd found them. He stepped towards the bed and had only eyes for her wounded son.  

"Please, go to your parents," he said softly to Kíli, who put his thumb in his mouth and let the man help him to get off the bed. The elf seemed a little confused when Kíli didn't let go of his hand and Dís hastened towards her son and took his other hand. For a moment she looked into the bright eyes of the elf king.

"Thank you," she whispered, not knowing what else she could say. 

Kíli's gaze was aimed at his brother. Apparently he didn't notice that he still held the hand of lord Elrond. 

"You can let go of his hand now, Kíli,"  she said both softly and compulsory. "Only then he can heal your brother."

The elf looked at her. "Try to get some sleep, lady. The boy will be all right."

Dís tried to believe him, but Fíli's face was remarkably pale and he barely bawled. The facial expression of the elf lord was calm. Dís however did not know what that meant: whether he was very certain about his abilities or whether he knew for sure there was nothing that could help the boy.


	14. Thorin

Thorin had expected the weariness would overpower him immediately, but for a long time he was tossing and turning in the bed that was assigned to him. The elvish hymns did not stop for a moment and even though it didn't sound unpleasant, he was constantly reminded of the fact that he was among a race with which his people lived in argument for centuries. He however knew they had excellent healers and Fíli would nowhere be in better hands, but it was still the question what the elf king wanted in return. During their flight from Erebor they had taken only a few belongings with them and his purse started to become empty. 

Finally Thorin dove into a deep sleep, although he would have avoided it when he had known what was waiting for him. Again he was deep in woods, surrounded by men with malicious intentions. Dís was gone and Fíli was lying motionless on the ground. Thorin's eyes flashed back and forth, looking for a way out. His hands glided over his loincloth, as if he could find there a forgotten weapon. 

Not far from them echoed a horrible shrieking, that could only come from his sister. 

"You want to go to her?" a cynical voice sounded. 

Thorin looked at the children. His eldest nephew laid within a pool of blood. 

No one waited for his answer. A moment later he looked down at his sister, who laid on the ground with spread legs. A man had bowed over her. 

Thorin tore loose to fall upon the rapist, but he crashed into an invisible wall. He screamed and lashed out, while he could do nothing but stare defeated to her shaking body while the tears run down his face. 

The light in her eyes seemed to extinguish slowly and her resistance diminished, so that she looked like a ragdoll that was moved up and down.

Thorin noticed his whole face was wet by his tears, but he couldn't take his eyes away from her battered body, hoping to see her chest or lips move. 

The rapist suddenly turned around smirked. Thorin gasped for breath when he saw the monstrous face of his enemy. The orc raised his sword and chopped off Dís' head. 

"For my collection." Azog made a hand gesture and more heads appeared next to that of his little sister, all leaking blood. That of his grandfather and father. That of his brother and brother-in-law. Even that of his small, innocent nephew. 

The wall disappeared and he fell forward, with his face in the mud. 

"Avenge us!" they all screamed, but Thorin was burdened by so much grief he couldn't get on his feet.

The last thing he felt, was an ice cold sword against his neck and then he tore open his eyes, staring at the white ceiling above his head. His heart hammered in his chest and slowly the depressing fear left his body. He sat straight and looked around disorientated. 

He inhaled relieved when he realized Dís and the boys were still alive, but that knowledge filled the gaping hole in his heart just a little. The rest of them were gone and his sister was possibly raped. He didn't know and he would never ask her.

He put his feet on the ground and walked to the other end of the room. At the edge of the bed he stood still. Her face was calm and he doubted she was also visited by evil men. He stretched his hand to sweep away a tuft of hair out of her face and stroke through Kíli's hair. The boy had curled up like a small ball, nestled in the arms of his mother. 

For a moment he observed the sleeping twosome and then he walked to the window, where he elevated himself upon the window-sill. While he stared at the spectacle of colors at the horizon that announced the coming of the sun, he tried to ignore the longing for two arms around his broken body. It was only an imaginary safety, that would neither protect him against the sword nor bring back the dead.


	15. Dís

When Dís woke up, she was  surprised to see her brother sit on the window-sill. She carefully  sat upright without awaking Kíli.

"I couldn't sleep," he mumbled when he noticed her questioning look. 

Dís kept silent. Nightmares had often kept her out of sleep since Smaug had appeared on the horizon and she knew very well how those nocturnal tortures wore-out the mind. 

"Can you keep an eye on Kíli?" she asked, shoving back the blankets and leaving the bed. "I want to see Fíli."

"Of course." Thorin turned his face away when she grabbed her clothes to exchange them for the night robe she was wearing. She decided to omit her shoes. Her feet were swollen since she had walked such long distances. Hopefully the well-mannered elves wouldn't judge her, although she was primarily worried about the condition of her child. 

She closed the door behind her and looked for the entrance of the enormous building. She hoped she would remember the way from there. 

Soon she walked through various corridors that were adorned with portraits and sculptures. There was nowhere an elf to be seen and she started to doubt. She had probably ended up in a part that was forbidden and now they would lock her up! 

Dís' knees shook in fear when she heard a  voice. 

"Are you looking for your son?"

She inhaled nervously when she saw a dark-haired elf. She had alert, dark eyes and a smooth, friendly face. 

Nervously Dís stroke with her hands over her robe. Suddenly she wished she had put on some other clothes. 

"Yes. I - I didn't know the way." 

Despite the friendly expression of the elf, she feared a reproof. 

"I can imagine. I will bring you to him." She offered Dís a warm smile and laid a calming hand on her shoulder. "My name is Arwen," she told when they turned around and walked back. 

"Dís," she answered. Her name sounded meaningless, without the title of princess or the name of her husband or father. Arwen however had only said her first name as well, so Dís tried not to think about it any longer. 

"You arrived tonight, am I right?" 

Dís wondered if she wanted to start a conversation because she knew that Fíli was not all right. Maybe her boy had even died and did the elf try to postpone her fate a little more. 

"Yes. We were ambushed in the forest and an elf brought us here."

The elf looked at her with genuine empathy, but Dís turned her face away. If she heard what things had happened as well, she would never be watched with a normal glance. 

"You are safe here."

Dís knew to show a smile, but she wondered how long they could stay here. She expected it was lord Elrond who would make that decision and she hadn't been long enough with him in a room to pass judgement upon him. 

Her nervousness increased again when she passed a corridor that she recognized. She couldn't push away the gloomy feelings and before she thought about it, she grabbed the hand of the elf in a fit. 

The woman squeezed her hand. "Do not worry."

While she held her breath she walked through the door behind which lied her eldest son. On the edge of the bed sat the elf king, who had laid his hand upon Fíli's head. He turned around when he heard their footsteps and he showed a disarming smile. 

"Have you received the news?"

With a pale face Dís shook her head. 

The elf lord raised his eyebrows in surprise. "You must have missed my messenger. Your son will be all right. He will be quite himself again."

Dís grasped the thing that was closest to her - the window-sill - and needed some time to let his words settle. Since the defeat in Moria she avoided any news and somehow she had already accepted a negative message. 

 "Praised are the gods," she whispered, where after she took a deep breath and walked the last meters to the bed. 

he elf stepped back and Dís stroke Fíli's hair tenderly. She bowed forward to kiss his forehead and then turned her head to look at the elf king. She had no idea what to say and eventually expressed her gratitude in a few whispering words. 

"Your son will sleep the next few hours.' Lord Elrond aimed his glance at the elf woman.   
"Perhaps our guests would like to see Imladris by daylight."

Arwen bowed her head. "It would be my pleasure to show them around."


	16. Thorin

Thorin squeezed his eyes when he stepped through the doorway. The sun shone right into his face. He turned away his head and watched the pavement, glittering so brightly it was even more comforting to look at the blinding celestial. He blinked a few times until his eyes started to get used to the surplus of light and he dared to look around. They stood above a large square that was divided in different levels  connected by stairs. A richly decorated fountain was visible at the edge, where clear water was squirted up.

He followed the elf woman, who had introduced herself as Arwen, down the stairs. From the corners of his eyes he watched Kíli, who wanted to climb down himself while the steps were way too high for him. 

Thorin saw his sister was impressed by the beauty of Rivendell. He couldn't say her mystic beauty did nothing to him, but it was so different from the mountains he'd lived in that he could barely see this as a home. 

They crossed the square and Arwen stepped on a small pebbled path that led along a cascading stream. Sometimes he discerned elves high in the tree tops, who greeted them friendly and watched them with curious eyes. Thorin felt uncomfortable. The elves were already taller than he was and it felt like they wanted to stress that by towering even higher above him. 

"What are you doing here?" Arwen asked him, leading them along the shore. She was certainly curious, contrasting heavily with the elf he had met before. 

"We are from Erebor," Thorin said and he swallowed when hearing the sadness  hidden in those few words. "Since Smaug destroyed our home, we are wandering around. It isn't easy to find a place where the children can grow up in safety. We lived in some cities of men, but many are poor and there was no future for the kids. It was dangerous, though we never found a place where there was no danger at all."

"The times are dark," Arwen sighed. Her glance danced over the water, as if the river created a magical wall between the brutal outside world and the illusion of safety that Rivendell seemed to guarantee. "I don't know if you want your children to grow up amidst elves, but you are very welcome. Within the borders of our land there are no dangers."

Thorin exchanged a look with his sister. It sounded very attractive, but he hadn't forgotten the elf. She hadn't want to come here. 

"You don't have to make a decision now,' Arwen smiled when she noticed their doubts. "But you are all welcome."

Thorin bowed his head for a moment. "You lack no hospitality."

The row of trees that had accompanied them stopped and they arrived at a grassland. Arwen sat down in the grass and gestured them to do the same. Hesitating Thorin took place at the ground.

"I come here often," she entrusted them. "It is always calm here."

Thorin hadn't seen a place here that didn't seem peaceful, but he kept his thoughts to himself. His eyes peered at the riverbank, although he didn't know where he was looking for. Colored flowers had turned their buds to the sun and dewdrops glimmered in the light. He was distracted for a while, until the bushes to his left moved and  some young ducks beeped between the leaves and dropped clumsy in the water. 

Although the innocence of this place made him nervous, for he knew it would take away his alertness, he noticed Dís enjoyed the calmness. Also Kíli seemed in his element, he'd crawled to the shore to see the small ducks from a closer spot. 

Thorin turned his face to Arwen again and decided to ask about the only thing that bothered him. She had a smooth face and in her eyes laid a deep intelligence. She seemed to have a pure soul, in which honesty and kindness predominated. He didn't thought she would lie. 

"There was an elf who saved us from banditsm but she didn't want to enter Rivendell."

Arwen did not look at him, but stared at the water surface. "Not everyone chooses to live in a community," she said softly. "In the woods live various elves who have chosen to live in isolation. They all have their own reasons."

Thorin thought about her words. She hadn't been a very sympathetic type, that was something he had to admit, but was that all? Had she just left them alone at the border of the elvish city because she didn't want to be seen by others?

"It might be better if you put it to rest," Arwen noticed. "The mystery that surround some elves are so deep a mortal could lose himself trying to unravel it."

Thorin knew there was no reason trying to scrutinize her motifs, but he wasn't the kind of person who easily let go of such things, not even when it was better for him. Certainly not now there wasn't a people to lead or an army to be in charge of; his brain was desperately looking for something to explore. 


	17. Dís

Dís enjoyed the walk through Rivendell. Every time Arwen showed them something new, she was blown away by the beauty of this magical place. Ever when she thought things couldn't become prettier, the elf showed her the opposite. 

The friendly, inviting words that Arwen had spoken, still wandered through her thoughts. Had they accidentally stumbled upon a place where she could give Fíli and Kíli a new life? They would grow up amidst elves, always considered as an outsider, but on the other hand the enormous orc of Gundabad wouldn't search for them here. Her children would be safe and under the protection of ancient elves who were perfectly trained. 

"You think you could become happy here?" Thorin asked her when Arwen had left them together so that they could deal with the impressions they had had today. 

Dís shrugged. She didn't know if she would ever feel happy again, something that didn't really matter. She wanted her children to be happy. That was all she was asking for. 

"No path will bring me to him," Dís said softly. "No place will ever fill the emptiness he left behind."

She watched Fíli, who jumped down step by step, pretending he ambushed an invisible prey. 

"I however believe they could be happy here. For the time being they will not notice any difference between elf and dwarf."

Dís looked again to the white houses, with their large round windows through which the wind flew, and the flat roofs upon which squirrels ran and birds sang their songs. Could she live therein? It was different from the house she'd had in Erebor, but that was nothing but a fading memory. Maybe it was better the houses were so different, so that she wasn't constantly wondering what would have happened to her when Smaug's eye hadn't caught their city. 

"Do you want to stay here?" She glanced aside. 

Her brother stared at his fingers. "This is exactly where we were looking for, right?"

Dís put her hand upon his fingers. That was no answer to her question. She knew he hated the elves because of the cowardly actions of the wood elves when Erebor was under fire, but none of the elves from Rivendell had been there and up to now they'd done much to help them.

"Yes," she said in the end. 

"Hopefully lord Elrond is just as friendly as his daughter." 

Dís had no answer. He had helped them immediately, although he hadn't been as heart-warming as his daughter. Dís didn't expect such behavior from him, but it made it hard to see through him. Perhaps he didn't like the idea to incorporate four dwarfs in his community. Dís didn't belief her father or Thorin would have done something like that so easily. Taking four outcasts in your midst was asking for trouble. 

Dís was taken out of her thoughts when she heard Fíli's voice. 

"Mommy!"

He leaned against Arwen and hobbled toward them. She immediately got on her feet to take her son in her arms. "My sweetheart." She kissed his hair. 

"Fíli!"

They both watched Kíli climb the stairs. Now and then she was afraid he would fall, but he kept on his feet and reached his brother without stumbling. Cheering he wrapped his arms around the middle of his older brother, on whose face a enormous smile had appeared. 

"Your family is complete again," a modest voice sounded. 

Dís turned around and froze when she saw lord Elrond. His smile was sincere and he burrowed his hand in Fíli's hair, so that his arm bumped her cheek. 

With a red face she turned her head away. She tried to convince herself there was no reason to feel so embarrassed, since she had also royal blood and she had sat around the table with kings for so many times, but the uneasy feeling kept gnawing, as if her existence as a princess had been nothing but a dream that all young girls nurtured while in reality she was only a traumatized widow. 


	18. Thorin

The days crept by in an alternate pace. Sometimes they seemed to go by in the blink of an eye, but there were also days that didn't seem to end. In the first place Dís and Thorin lived together in a house, but after some time Thorin needed a place for himself. He loved Kíli and Fíli, but they were not his children and he didn't want to take the place of their father. They needed to grow as a family. He lacked one and loneliness accompanied him daily. He however didn't feel sad. He spend a lot of time with the two sons of lord Elrond: Elrohir and Elladan, who not only showed him all the mystic places of Rivendell, but also took him for trips through the surrounding woods. 

Elladan had told him he felt more at home in the wilderness where his urge to survive was tested and every day brought something new, than in the valley his father reigned. Elrohir also enjoyed riding through the woods and fields, but he liked talking and loved to be among other elves as well. He was always friendly and willing to answer questions, while Elladan sometimes lacked some talkatively. 

Elrohir often visited the children, which his brother seemed to avoid, feeling uncomfortably with two young dwarfs who tried to climb his back. Thorin suspected Elrohir to have an eye on Dís, but the distress of his sister was too fresh to notice such a thing and he didn't know whether he liked it or not.

Thorin walked through the narrow tunnel that had brought him the first time to Rivendell. Every time he passed the road, he thought about the elf woman. Months had passed, but he still hoped to see here every time they left Rivendell. More than once he'd almost said anything about her to the twins, but something stood in his way. The feeling that she would hear his question didn't go away and when he would ask things within the safety of Rivendell, there would be no indication for it and he was afraid they would laugh at him. 

He was a little worried why his curiosity hadn't weakened in the meantime and he hoped he could put it to rest when he knew who she was.

For his own peace of mind he decided to take the risk. 

"I encountered an elf woman a while ago," he started when the roof of the tunnel had changed into the blue sky, which spread above a soft waving grassland. They didn't need to know that "while" was a few months ago.

Elrohir grinned when he said nothing more. "And that surprises you?"

Thorin's face colored red and he shook his head. "No. She - she didn't want to go to Rivendell."

The smile was wiped off Elrohir's face and he exchanged a look with his brother, which Thorin did not understand.

"What did she look like?" Elladan wanted to know. 

"She had blond hair and a large scar on her face."

Something on the face of the elf changed, although Thorin couldn't say what it was. Maybe it was the frown above his nose or the dark look in his eyes, but he felt he got a bait. 

"That must have been Scar," Elrohir continued to speak. "She's a very strange person. You better stay away from her."

For a moment it looked like Elladan wanted to say something, but in the end he only looked the other way with a stiff face. 

"Why?" Thorin couldn't help but sound curious.

It was Elladan who gave an embittered answer. "Because she believes elves should pair with orcs."

In other circumstances he would have laughed about this comment, but Elladan's voice was so loaded it sounded as if he had spoken out a dead sentence. It was clear the brothers were not joking and he knew those two had just as much reasons to hate orcs as he had. 

 


	19. Dís

Dís watched herself in the mirror. The dress she was wearing made her a different creature. The fabric enclosed her body tightly and draped around her ankles at the ground, so that here feet were invisible. The sleeves were not as long as those of Arwen, but they were still wide. The color of the dress was something between yellow and green and showed a large part of her neck.

"It looks beautiful on you," Arwen found.

Dís didn't dare to state anything else, since it was Arwen who'd made the dress. Her brown curls hang over her partly uncovered shoulders, making her discomfort grow. 

"You don't like it, do you?"

Her cheeks turned red. She didn't want to disappoint Arwen, who had done so much for her. It was very kind she wanted to fabricate clothes for her, because there was nothing in her seize. 

"I just need to get used to it," she said, glancing once more at her reflection. It was a beautiful dress, which almost gave her the feeling she wasn't good enough to wear it. A feeling she was ashamed of, since she didn't know when and how that thought had crept into her mind. She had been the princess of Erebor and she should behave so. 

"Thank you, Arwen."

"You're welcome. Will you wear it tonight?"

"Yes, I could do that."

She felt a little nervous for tonight. The Feast of the Summer Gates, they called the celebration, but she did not know very well what was celebrated and she wasn't in the mood for a feast at all. It was the first she would experience and Thorin and she would be the only dwarfs. She knew she needed to get over that, since that wouldn't change in the near future.

"What do you celebrate?"

"Today is the longest day of the year and we believe the healing tears of Nienna will fall upon the plants."

Dís nodded hesitating, even though she had not the slightest idea who Nienna was. She however expected she would find out soon enough. 

"I bet there are a lot of things you need to do before the night falls."

Arwen looked guilty at her. "Actually I should. Father expects me to guide the flowers, so that their beauty will delight us tonight."

Dís feigned a smile, but the discomfort didn't disappear. She was probably the only unknowing soul in Imladris, for she believed Thorin had figured out the mystery of Nienna a long time ago. This morning he went on the way to hunt a swine. Although most courses were herbal, nights like these offered variation on their diet and Dís had to admit her mouth already watered by the thought of a delicious piece of meat. 

Dís walked to the door of her house to let Arwen out and said goodbye. Arwen brushed Kíli's hair, who sat on the ground and made drawings with a white stone he got from Elrohir. He waved with his hand, but moved on with his work in full concentration soon. Dís smiled, looked around to see if Fíli was near and went back inside when she didn't see him. There were some elf girls with whom he was often around, telling tales to. He didn't seem to care that his friends were probably three times as old as he was and she was glad he could amuse himself.

Dís returned to her work table and took the piece of wood in her hand that she was cutting. Elrohir had taught her a few weeks ago and she really enjoyed making beautiful figures. He had said she was gifted and Dís hoped to earn some money with it. They brought her food, but she still wanted to have some cash, in case they needed to flee when Azog and his followers picked up their trail. 

 


	20. Thorin

Thorin had pulled a bone comb through his hair and put on clean clothes. During his hunt for a wild boar he'd toppled over some times. There was now a large scratch above his elbow, but Thorin was still looking back on a wonderful day and he was very curious what the evening would bring . 

When it was time to eat he knocked on Dís' door. He smoothed his clothes and was surprised to see her. She wore a beautiful dress and even though her eyes showed her insecurity, she looked good - much better than she'd done the past weeks. 

"Hi," she said softly, biting her lip. "Arwen made this dress for me. Do - do I look very stupid?" 

Thorin shook his head. "You look beautiful."

A hesitating smile appeared on her face, which warmed his heart. He was glad she came along tonight, instead of staying behind on her own. He nodded to the two boys appearing behind their mother, both wearing an elf robe which kind of suited them. He however would never wear such a robe. He offered Dís his arm and they walked to the Gardens of Imladris, where the buffet was covered by beautifully carved arches, around which curled shining flowers. Thorin had never seen such a thing in his life and he had to admit it expressed a beauty he would never find in Erebor, although they had possessed their own treasures that had no equals in Middle Earth.  
  
His eye caught Elrohir, who was waving happily to them. He sat around a table with his family and winked them enthusiastically. "Come, sit with us!" He made an inviting gesture with his hand. 

Thorin looked at Dís, who pushed Kíli protectively against her hip. Thorin knew her well enough to notice she felt insecure. 

"I don't know if that pleases your father, lord Elrond."

Thorin looked aside, to the man who was flanked by his son and daughter. 

"Without a doubt. Dís, Thorin, you are more than welcome."

He saw Dís' cheeks turn red and gestured her to sit next to Arwen with the children, while he found a place in front of Elrohir and greeted Lindir, an elf who was also close to the royal family. 

When all elves had found a place to sit, Elrond stood up and greeted all persons present. He thanked them for their presence and offered his gratefulness to Nienna, Lady of compassion and sorrow, wisdom and hope. Even though Thorin did not know whether Nienna really existed or whether she was only a fable, those were meaningful words. His sister and he had came here, cloaked in sorrow, but now they were sitting here around the table, while hope for a better life was almost touchable.  It was not comparable to the life he had known in Erebor, but he was grateful Dís and his nephews were still alive and it had been a miracle that they were received by elves - in such a way they were now eating around the same table. 

"That's yours." Elrohir broke through his thoughts and pointed to the swine that was lying on the table. It was stripped of its skin and smelled tasty. The elves knew very well how to prepare meat and it was a pity they did it so rarely. 

"How do you know?"

"It's the smallest."

Thorin shook his head, smiling. "You would expect the biggest one on this table."

"Would you?" Elrohir asked with raise eyebrows. "The four smallest members of our community sit around this able."

Elrohir looked aside to Dís for a moment, who did not notice because she was staring to her plate. She was the only one who had not filled her plate and Thorin wondered if this feast was calling up bad memories. It had been years ago they had sat around the table with their family and even though Thorin was glad they'd been incorporated so friendly, he also understood it did not take away his sister's distress. 

"I hope she can enjoy tonight," Elrohir said softly, who saw his dejected face. "She deserves an unforgettable night and this feast is meant for elves - and dwarfs - like her, who are burdened by grief and pain day after day and are not able to get rid of it. I really hope the moon and stars will take a part of her grief with them when they leave the sky tomorrow."

 


	21. Dís

Dís had absolutely no appetite. Often it occurred that her appetite was lost, but she had hoped such a moment would not be tonight. After all, the elves had worked hard in the kitchens and she didn't want to seem ungrateful. For that reason she ate small pieces of the boar, the meal she had actually looked forward to. She did not like it. 

Every time she moved her jaws, she was overflown by nausea and she was afraid she had to throw up. Here, on Lord Elrond's side. 

"Are you alright, Dís?" Arwen's familiar voice sounded. "You look pale. Don't you like the food?"

"I do," she said quickly. She didn't dare to look at someone else. "I - I just feel a little ill?"

Arwen looked aside, requiring help from her father. 

"What is bothering you, Dís?" Lord Elrond asked. 

She shrugged and stared to the portion of food that she had barely touched. She knew it was offensive not to look at him when he asked her something, but for some reason she could not bear his glance at this moment. 

"Mama often feels not well," Fíli participated in the conversation. "Then she doesn't want to eat, while  _we_  do have to eat until our plates are empty!"

Her cheeks turned red by his reproach. What should they all think of her? She wasn't a very good example for her children! 

"Your mother is right," Lord Elrond answered. "You have to become strong warriors after all!"

The last thing Dís wanted, was her sons going on a warpath, but she knew that was an egocentric thought. Just like every other men they had to prove themselves on the battlefield.  
Dís noticed her fingers were trembling when she took the fork in her hand again, pricking in the meat. She had to get over it. She absolutely didn't want to cast a slur on this feast that was so important for the elves. 

* * *

Dís was glad when dinner came to an end. The rest of the evening went by less elegant, so that the oppressive feeling in her chest, caused by the idea that everyone saw every move she made, disappeared slowly. Quickly the long tables were set aside. Although there had been musicians during dinner, more elves clutched at their instruments now. 

Dís was a little at the edge of the group, but soon Elrohir was talking to her. 

"What do you think it?" 

Dís did not know what to answer. Above all she felt very uncomfortable, but she didn't want to create the illusion that she was never satisfied. "It's a special evening."

Her eyes wandered through the room, but the boys seemed to enjoy themselves. Kíli was watching a string instrument that was played by a blond elf and Fíli was hidden in the shadows, next to the desert tables, taking something now and then secretly. Dís wanted to censure him, but Elrohir's fingers glided across her wrist, holding her. 

"It doesn't matter. Let them enjoy this evening."

Dís stared at his hand. He held her not very tightly, but it still gave her shivers. She suddenly felt an urgency to cry. The sudden emotions confused her and in a flash she remembered the man in the woods, who pulled her to the ground and touched her body eagerly. 

Elrohir however wasn't conscious of doing something wrong and did not notice that she had frozen. The laughing and singing voices led his attention away, while he threw an arm around her and took her hand. "Did you learn how to dance?"

In Dís's perception his merry voice was twisted into a terrifying threat and her heart beat in her throat anxiously. His hands seemed to be everywhere and she wanted to free herself, but she could find no strength. It felt like she had drunk something that had frozen her limbs and tears swelled in her eyes. 

"I think it's better to give Dís some space,"  a voice sounded suddenly. "She doesn't feel very well tonight."

Although his voice was friendly, it was clear Lord Elrond was peremptory and Elrohir let go of her.

Dís did not look at him, but stared at her feet. She was glad Lord Elrond had came between them, but it did not take away the suffocating feeling that was evoked by that memory.

 

 


	22. Thorin

Thorin really enjoyed himself. His nephews wanted to dance with him all the time and there were even some beautiful elf women that he turned around. When he said to Elladan he could play the harp, his friend insisted to hear his talents. He took Thorin to one of the musicians, who yielded curiously his instrument.  He knew no elvish melodies, and they decided he had to perform a dwarf song. Thorin felt a little embarrassed in front of all the expecting faces, but he didn't want to show his doubt. He stroke the strings with his fingers, sought for the right pitch and let his voice reverberate over the silent crowd. He sung about the origin of Erebor, how Thráin the First led his people out of Moria after the kingdom was attacked by a balrog and founded a new kingdom in the Lonely Mountain, eight generations before he was born. 

The song was written in his own tongue, but the faces of many elves revealed their understanding. Thorin was once more impressed by their wisdom, for he had only learned some words Sindarin. Just before him stood Fíli and Kíli who moved with the melody and sometimes sang along some sentences. They both stood upright, their chests forward, as two little princes who were proud of their homeland. Thorin smiled tenderly and narrated about the discovery of the Arkenstone.

He however was confused when he saw  _her_ at the edge of the pavilion. The moon gave her hair a silver glance, just like the strings between his fingertips. In contrary to the other elves she was dressed in a simple tunic. The scar writhed over her face like a red snake, but despite everything Thorin realized she was blessed by a beauty that was so pure he understood very well why he couldn't forget her.

He noticed he had missed some tones and he turned his red face away, where his eyes met those of Elladan. There was a sorrowful frown on his forehead and although Thorin remembered his words about her, there was nothing he wanted more than forgetting the harp and running to Scar, afraid she would disappear again when he did not.

He however kept control of himself and first completed the song. He was greeted with a loud applause and he glowed inside. His glance danced over the crowd until he had found her, but she didn't cheer and wasn't paying any attention to him at all. She had walked to Lord Elrond and spoke to him, separated from the others. Thorin was surprised, for he had thought she hated the man.  

"That was good, very good." Elrohir slapped his shoulder enthusiastically and Thorin quickly took his eyes off Scar, but it was too late. 

"I saw you staring," his friend whispered. "But I mean it.  Her heart is cold as stone."

"Then why is she here?"

Elrohir shrugged, answering ominously: "Maybe she wants to poison you. Or Dís. She didn't feel very well, right?"

Thorin was startled by his words, but then he noticed the glittering in Elrohir's eyes, who grinned. "No, she isn't that evil."

"I saw her talking to your father. Doesn't he hate her?"

"I still have to met the first living being my father hates. I think he still hopes she will return to our community."

"They know each other well?"

Elrohir watched him for some moments, shaking his head. "You can't stop, can you? Just let her go, man. But to answer your question: they knew each other very well. He almost became her father in law."

Thorin couldn't help he was shocked by this revelation. "Were you -"

"Who, me?" Elrohir laughed. "No. But Elladan... He was helplessly in love."

"That's enough," Elladan grumbled, who had supposedly heard their conversation. "It's so many years ago I'm surprised you still remember." He pushed a thin glass in their hands. "We'll just act like she's not here."

Thorin looked into his bright eyes, but he had no idea how to do that. He couldn't tell the reason, but he had the feeling she spun threads around him, pulling him closer and closer.

 


	23. Dís

It hadn't escaped Dís' attention that the mysterious woman had showed up. She had stand beside Dís for some time, but she had not noticed. When she did, her cheeks had turned red. 

"Have you and your children found the safety you were looking for?" she had asked.

Dís had been so stunned she couldn't answer her in the first place, but in the end she had nodded. Before she could ask something, the woman had walked way.

Now Thorin's song had ended - a piece of music that had called up homesickness and made wounds that could not be touched shrine - the elves had continued with their instruments. Although she was proud of her brother, she felt even more gloomy than she had done before and there was nothing she wanted more than going to bed and hide herself in the blankets.

Arwen saw her. The elf princess always seemed to feel when she was battling despair and her thin fingers enclosed her wrist.  "Let's go for a walk."

Dís glanced doubting at her kids, but Arwen held her fingers and squeezed. "Nothing will happen to them."

That wasn't where she was afraid of. Her children were safe here, but she feared they would misbehave, while she could not protect them against angry glances.

"Come," Arwen said soft but compelling and she pulled her away from the others.

Dís glanced at Thorin once more, but he was with Arwen's brothers and had an amused smile around his lips. Apparently he could set aside his grief and Dís wished he could teach her.

"Tell me about your husband," Arwen said when the sounds of the feasts became silent. The elf sat down on the edge of the fountain. Dís lifted herself up quietly and felt embarrassed when Arwen's firm grip helped her. She turned on her buttocks and stared at her feet that couldn't touch the ground. "What was his name?"

"Famin."

There was a silence, which was softened by the melodies that sounded both close and distant. 

"This year we would have been together for fifteen years."

She twisted the ring around her finger and bit her lip. Suddenly she wished he was here to hold her. That he lifted her from this fountain to dance with her. Tears escaped her eyes and she turned her face away, but Arwen stroke her back calming. 

"It's okay, Dís. It's completely normal to feel this way."

"I miss him so much, Arwen," she whispered between two sobs. "I just... I just don't know what to do. Every move I make seems to wear me out. Every moment of the day seems to drag along forever." She rubbed her eyes. "Sometimes I just want to leave this place to join him, but I can't do that to Thorin and my boys."

"It's good you realize that. It will become easier, Dís. Neither did I know how I had to carry on when my mother left us, but I have struggled along."

Dís stared at her feet. She had lost her parents too, and her brother. And although she mourned about them, it was something different than losing your soulmate. A part of her had died too and that wouldn't come back. She didn't believe that.

Arwen wrapped her arms around her and pushed her cheek against Dís' forehead. "You're going through a hard time, Dís, but you are a wonderful woman and you're doing everything for your children. I am very glad I've met you and I really want to be your friend. I know I can never take the place of your husband, but I hope I can be there for you."

Those words meant a lot to Dís. She had had friends when she was a child, but there had always been restrictions as long as she had lived in a palace.   
"You already are."

Arwen smiled and stood up. "Let's celebrate our friendship tonight." She wiped away a tuft of hair that had clung to her wet cheek. "And the many friendships that will follow."

 

 


	24. Thorin

The light of the stars fell upon them. The elves and the four dwarfs looked up along the with flowers adorned arches, to the endless dome that crowned their world.

Thorin imagined his brother to be between those stars. What would he think when he would look down on them now? Did he believe it was a courageous decision he had joined the elves, so that their sister was safe? Or had Thorin disappointed him, for he hadn't gone looking for their father?

The thoughts about his father were painful. The ignorance sometimes hunted him. Was his father still alive? Was his life among the elves an escape from his obligations? Wasn't it about time he started to look for him, to at least discover what had happened to him? 

Thorin found it difficult. Although Dís started to feel better, he was afraid she would collapse when he told her he was about to leave. He knew she wanted their father to be found, but his sister had lost the hope that he was still alive a long time ago, so that she was solely afraid that she would be abandoned once again. That he would leave this world as well, without saying goodbye. Always longing for a last embrace, for the perfect words that contained a memorable and satisfying goodbye.

* * *

The nocturnal hour begun and according to the elves this was the moment that the moon was most powerful. His comforting appearance heralded the arrival of Nienna, who would shed her curative tears. 

Elladan gave Thorin a transparent flask in which he could preserve the tears. He looked a bit skeptical to the elf. He could hardly imagine that the liquid they would ensemble really had a magical power, but on the other hand the elves were not short-sighed at all and they had a wisdom that stayed hidden for many other creatures. 

The elves set a hymn in motion that sounded so beautiful it caused a warm feeling in his chest, so that his plans to leave drowsed and a satisfied smile appeared on his face, while they walked behind each other in a long line, into the dark woods.

Dís walked in front of him and he could see the elf song touched her soul as well. Her sorrows glided from her shoulders, which expanded the smile on his face.

Everyone seemed to be happy for a moment. Until his eye caught Scar, who was not singing along. She had turned her face away and stared in the distance. The glance in her eyes was empty and her face showed no emotions, as if her feelings had died a long time ago, whilst there was no fire in Arda that could make her glow again.

The sight of her cold face did cool off his own warmth a little. Questions raced through his head. Why was she the only elf who was not singing? Why had she chosen for isolation, but was she walking here nonetheless with a flask in her hand?

He noticed his reveries slowed down his speed and an elf gave him a penetrating look when he stepped on Thorin's heel. Quickly he fastened his pace, but because of the thoughts about Scar he was no longer in time and suddenly he felt not so calm and happy anymore, as if he was torn loose from an enchantment, seeing the truth. A truth he could not describe in words. It was only an indeterminate feeling, while his eyes wandered to the white haired elf over and over again, with her wriggling scar and her iron-hard eyes.


	25. Dís

Just like the elves Dís knelt between the bushes. She had the feeling everyone was looking at her, but when her eyes met those of an elf, she was only greeted with a friendly smile. Whispering words were exchanged when they gathered the dewdrops. Dís was on the front side, for the children were expected to go first, followed by lord Elrond and his kin. From the corner of her eyes she saw lord Elrond was close. He was so near she could hear is breathing if she concentrated. 

She noticed she was unintentionally doing so. His presence calmed her down a little. In this respect, he had the same influence on her as his daughter, although she never had to search for words when she was with Arwen. 

She raised her bottle in the moonlight and saw the bottom was filled. 

"You believe in her magical power, Dís?"

Dís was startled when the elf lord suddenly started to talk to her. She always felt a little insignificant and it felt strange that he choose her to have a conversation with. 

She didn't know what to answer. It was somewhat rude to deny its power, but after seeing so much beloved ones die it was hard to imagine that something supernatural cared about them.

"I want to," she answered softly. 

She looked aside shyly, but lord Elrond nodded in understanding, without a trace of conviction in his eyes. 

"I have healed your son with the same tears."

That words had a deep impact on her. She glanced at the content of the bottle again. Had these drops, that she had believed to be normal dew drops before this day, really saved the life of her child?

She looked forward, where she could see her oldest son among the young elf girls. Kíli was probably invisible by his small height, but she knew lord Elrond and various other elves kept an eye on the children. 

Dís had the feeling she had to say something, but no words came up. She had thanked him many times and now she thought about it, she realized she had only whispered grateful words and apologies to him. When they would exchange neutral words more often, the gloomy feeling that she was endlessly indebted by him would perhaps go away.

Dís however could not think of a subject to talk about. She had learned much about Nienna and she didn't want to let him think his explanation - that had been mainly addressed to her family - had been insufficient.  Ashamed she stared at the ground and concentrated on the tears that she let slip from the leave into the bottle. She was disappointed that she couldn't have a normal conversation anymore, something that had never been a problem in the past. More and more often she was confronted with the fact that the old Dís no long existed. She had gone into the grave together with her husband and all that was left, was a shade of the woman she had once been. 

She was startled from her disappointing conclusions when she heard the howling of wolves. Her eyes flashed to lord Elrond, but his face showed this was not the normal procedure. Even before he could say something, Elladan showed up. His forehead was soaked in sweat and there was an agitated look in his eyes. 

"Those are wargs, father."

Dís stared bewildered at the elf. She understood how important these drops were for the elves. If they would not replenish their supplies, a tough year would await them. Nienna's tears were crucial to healing wounds. Wargs however weren't the most beloved creatures either ... 

 

 


	26. Thorin

The howling of the wolf-like creatures drifted towards them. The elves around Thorin froze. The atmosphere changed, a panicking look appeared in many eyes. He put away his half-filled flask and headed to the front, where Kíli and Fíli were. Younglings were of great importance during the ritual: they were lifted on a stand and were going where their king went. 

On this moment they were unprotected and even though wargs could attack from every direction, he was afraid they would head for the weakest ones. The children. 

He put one foot before the other, faster and faster, until he was running. It wasn't wise to run, for his footsteps drowned out noises that could indicate the presence of the enemy, but he didn't care about his own safety. He had to go to his family. The little that was left of it. 

The panic reigning around him called up memories and fears he'd pushed away for too long. He'd felt so comfortable around the elves he'd almost forgotten about the orc of Gundabad who was still hunting him down. Had he picked up their trail? Had a rumour reached the enemy that the Lord of Imladris had taken four dwarves under his wings? 

A branch hit his face, but Thorin ignored the pain that followed. Around him more creatures were running. Only a few elves were armed, as if they'd thought Nienna's tears would protect them against a sudden attack. 

The cries of the elves reminded him of the men who'd been around him when the army of his father was crushed and the bodies of friends and family were piling up. He heard their screams as if they'd come to life to die a second time. He even thought to see the rolling head of his grandfather somewhere left from him, but when he turned his head to the side there was nothing. 

Panting he stood still while he tried to regain control of himself. The voices of the elves weren't as hopeless as he'd thought. In fact, their yelling sounded far away and he seemed the only one who was panicking. He pushed his hand against his chest because it stung. For a moment the fear flashed through his mind that he was having a heart attack, but he forced himself to calm down. It was nothing but a piercing grief that was called up by his memories. He was fine. 

He pulled his sword. After his sister and he had been ambushed in the woods, more than a half  year ago, he'd refused to go into the forest unarmed. You never knew what was hiding in the shadows. 

The hilt slithered in his hand when he took up the weapon. It felt like ages ago he'd used it. He was unprepared and weak. He'd been satisfied with a peaceful life, without realizing he had to be vigilant when danger showed up. 

To his left Thorin heard the sniffing of a warg. He did his best to keep his grip on the sword firm in his clammy hands. 

Despite his alertness he was attacked from the other side without seeing it coming. He fell on the ground while the beast dug into his lower leg with its claws. A cry left his lips, even though the shock was the greatest contributor. He rolled on his side so that he could use his right arm. His sword cut off the ear of the warg, that recoiled howling. 

There was no orc to be seen. Thorin wondered what that meant. Hadn't there been a rider or had he jumped off the animal on time? He however didn't dare to look around. The warg recovered quickly and had already bent its hind legs to jump. 

He kept his sword ready, but his morale was knocked when the bushes behind him were rustling. A horrible stank almost killed him when a monster sniffed against the side of his head and roared. He lashed out backwards and jumped aside. He landed on his feet uneasily, carrying out a ridiculous dance when he tried to find back his balance. From the corner of his eyes he saw something move on the right. A bowstring tightened  and an arrow zoomed by in front of his face, piercing the warg against a tree. 

"Stay awake, Oakenshield!" Elrohir's voice sounded. "If they want to end this night with bloodshed, we'll grant their wish!"


	27. Dís

Dís had run to the front as soon as she'd realized her children were in danger. She didn't think twice about her own safety, all her thoughts were occupied by her boys. 

She knew she was unarmed. She could barely protect her boys from the horrific jaws of a warg. All she could do, was hold them in her arms, but Fíli was too big and her limbs were probably ripped off before she could say a single comforting word. 

She grabbed Kíli's hand when she saw him and pulled him close, wondering if this was how Famin had met his end. Had he felt how the teeth of the monster had drilled into his flesh? Had fear paralyzed him?

"Where is Fíli?" she asked in panic when she didn't see her other son. 

"He – he went to battle," Kíli whispered with pale cheeks. "He said he was going to protect mommy."

Full of distraught Dís looked around. However, it was pitch black and many of the candles the elves had lit, were extinguished now. 

Dís turned around in fear when she felt a hand on her shoulder. "Elladan will take you back. Time is of the essence."

"No, I have to find Fíli!" She pushed Kíli to the elf lord. "Get him to safety!"

Lord Elrond heaved a deep sigh. His glance flashed around and she knew he wasn't happy with her. "I will find Fíli."

Dís shook her head. The elf king had saved his life once. She didn't want him to play that role again. He was her son. "He's my responsibility."

Lord Elrond crouched down in front of her so that he could look at her. "You are my responsibility, Dís, just like your sons. You are unarmed and panicking. You go back to Rivendell  _now._ " He squeezed her shoulder so hard she got the impression he thought she'd lost her mind. "That's an order."

Her lower lip started to quiver. She pushed Kíli tightly against her legs. Elrond stood up again and yelled something in Elvish to his men. 

"I'll bring your boy back," he said shortly. "Now, get out of here."  
  
His cold words startled her. Kíli pulled her hand. "There is uncle Elladan!"

She let her son drag her along, while her thoughts were with Fíli. She knew their safety wasn't fully granted yet, but Fíli was all alone and he was in more danger than anyone.   
  
Elladan didn't speak when he led them through the woods to the chasm. Four armed elves stood on guard, who let them pass. Elladan didn't go further. 

* * *

Defeated Dís wandered through the streets, dragging Kíl along. Rivendell was abandoned. Now and then her eye caught men and women who returned to the gate, this time armed. She sunk down at the ground and pulled Kíli in her arms. She couldn't believe this was happening again. Again she was waiting on her beloved ones, hoping they would return.

The cold night air descended upon her, causing goosebumps. She rubbed her upper arms and hid her nose in Kíli's hair when she heard his teeth chattering. He didn't say a word and stared into the void. She wondered how much he understood of the situation. Would nights like these keep him from sleep later on? Would he remember how his brother had left him, never to return? 

Dís knew she had to take him home, but she couldn't find the strength to get up. Did the attack of the wargs mean their time with the elves had ended? Were they responsible for all the elves that were killed tonight? Would Arwen and lord Elrond look at them ever again if they found out it were Thorin and she who'd brought this upon them? 

 


	28. Thorin

The muscles of his arms were burning. He could barely held his sword, but the wargs left him with no choice. Every time he thought they'd chased them away, they returned in larger numbers.

Fortunately Elrohir and he weren't just the two of them anymore. Other elves had come to help, but he was surprised the elf lord himself was nowhere to be seen. He thought of the elf king of Mirkwood, who'd cowardly watched how their city went up in flames. He'd turned his face away, turned their backs on them. He'd betrayed them.

Was that typical high elf behavior? Was Lord Elrond hiding between the trees too, while he watched how his men fell? Would the man look down on him, lacking any emotions, when Thorin died right before his eyes?

He shook off his thoughts. There were plenty of elves who did support him. Arrows whooshed past his ears, crashing into the torso's of orcs and wargs. All this time Thorin feared an enormous white warg or pale orc would step out of the shadows, but no such thing happened.

There were various women among the elves and Thorin wondered if Scar was one of them. He knew she wasn't in the city, but he hadn't forgotten Elladan's words. For some reason she seemed to think elves should breed with orcs, so would she be willing to kill them? If he'd understood the brothers correctly, she favored orcs over her own kind. Maybe she wasn't fighting on their side. Maybe he should expect an arrow in his back any moment.

Still he wasn't truly afraid of her. He doubted it was wise, but assumed Elladan's broken heart had let to the words he'd spoken. Maybe those had nothing to do with the truth. It was plausible his grief and bitterness had transformed her words in his thoughts, so that he had more reasons to hate her than his hurt feelings alone.

He was torn out of his thoughts when Elrohir bumped his elbow in his side. "Where the hell is your head, dwarf?" the elf grumbled. "I thought dwarfs were tough warriors, but your eyes are glazing over as if you're staring at a beautiful girl instead of a drooling warg."

Thorin's cheeks turned red. The fact that Scar was creeping into his thoughts over and over again was worrying him, especially at dangerous moments like these. He found it far from normal and he wondered if she'd cast a spell on him. Would she...

He ran forward, trying to get rid of the paralyzing thoughts. He had to stop thinking, he had to fight! He broke the line and stormed at an orc, whom he beheaded with a heavy blow. In all his fury he turned to the next. For his brother. For his people.

In his thoughts was no room for mysterious elves. He was confronted by his arch enemies and they all had to die.

The pain in his arms disappeared. Blood spatted in his face and dripped down his arms. Bones cracked beneath his feet while he cleared a path right over dead orc bodies, crisscross the trees. His bloodlust pushed him further and further, seeming to give him wings. Thorin felt like no one could stop him.

A sword grazed his upper arm, scraping the bone of his elbow. He clenched his teeth, crashed the skull of his enemy. And then he saw something that cut off his breath.

She stood a little away from the line of fire. Moonlight shone upon her pale face and her fingers stroked the shiny black fur of a warg, whose eyes were bright red, causing a hypnotizing effect. Slowly she turned her face towards him. Her fingers froze as if she realized he had discovered a great secret. The black warg turned his mighty head towards Thorin as well, exposing his razor sharp teeth.


	29. Dís

"Dís. You're ice cold."

It was true. She was cold to the bone. It felt like her skin was covered with a layer of ice and she couldn't even persuade herself to look up.

"You two have to go inside. You'll get really sick."

Dís didn't react. She was a dwarf. The cold had been omnipresent in Erebor.

Even though Dís was watching the pale tiles beneath her, she saw that Arwen crouched down in front of her and laid two warm hands on her shoulders.

The fingers of the elf lady reminded her of Famin, the only one who'd ever touched her bare skin. The straps of her dress must have glided down, but she didn't care.

What difference would it make? Her brother and son were missing.

Many had returned. Triumphant or stumbling around. Thorin hadn't been with them and it felt like history was repeating. Soon she would have to bury another loved one.

Dís couldn't bear that. She couldn't lose more people. She knew she had to stay strong for Kíli, but she had no idea how.

Arwen said no more words. The elf woman stood up and with a blank stare Dís looked up, to see how she was left again. If even Arwen wasn't able to deal with her grief, how would she ever be able to manage it herself?

Dís knew she lacked the strength to stand up. She would stay here, waiting until she'd convince Death to take her with him, to bring her back to her family. Where she belonged.

* * *

The cold was biting her skin. She no longer felt her fingers and toes, which she considered as a good sign. They had peace with her death. She didn't have to stay behind all alone. She had the choice to return to her parents. To her husband. To Fíli and Thorin.

No elf could speak out the words that were itching their lips. Every elf that passed by looked at her, full of pity. Sometimes tears were shining in their eyes, knowing they neither would be able to bear her pain.

They weren't the only ones who felt sorry for her. Even though the tears seemed to have frozen in her own eyes, the heavens were crying with her. Rain drops were soaking her, ever since the moment she'd dropped down here. The heavens told her what the elves couldn't and they wept for the loss of two lives that had meant so much to her.

* * *

Lately Dís had been trying to learn some Sindarin, but she'd failed this far. Laments arose around her, but she couldn't find out who'd set the tone. Without understanding the words, Dís knew they regretted the end of this night. Nienna had disappointed them, like every god that feigned to care about them. Dís closed her eyes, convinced the magical melodies would lead her to the realm of the dead. Where Famin was waiting for her.

A smile appeared around her lips when she felt two warm arms that were lifting her up, higher and higher. She however panicked when her son was pulled out of her arms. She opened her eyes in shock. It wasn't a supernatural force that had lifted her up, it was Elrohir. His forehead was bleeding and his dark hair was soaked, but his eyes were alert and worried. His arm slid underneath her knees so she felt like a little child, but for a while that was all she wanted. She saw Arwen had taken care of Kíli and she closed her eyes, tired, while Elrohir carried her through the rain and climbed the stairs, until they were greeted by the warmth of the royal palace.


	30. Thorin

The sight of the ink black warg with his infernal eyes was so terrifying he was rooted to the spot. All noises were stilled, except the threatening growls of the dark creature. 

In fear his eyes shot to Scar, who stared motionlessly at him. He knew his fate was in her hands. Her lips only had to part to express one word and the warg would tear him in pieces. 

Scar showed a smile, but the moonlight, her gruesome scar and the monster next to her made it look like an insane grin. "Are you scared of me, dwarf?"

Thorin shook his head. Of course he was, but he wouldn't admit it. He weighed his sword in his hand and banished the fear out of his head.  "No," he said with a solid voice. 

She gave him a condescending smile and petted the black fur of the animal. "That's foolish."

Thorin glanced at his sword, that he was still holding ready. He sighed and lowered the weapon. 

"You saved my life," he reminded her while putting away his sword. "I fail to see why you would regret doing so."

"There have been many times I regretted the things I've done."

Thorin gave her a questioning look, even though he should have known she wasn't going to tell him anything about her past. 

"Do you belong to the orcs?"

"Do you belong to the elves?"

It was a question Thorin couldn't answer. Did he belong  to the elf community now? He lived among them and they'd done a lot for him, but that didn't turn him into an elf.  

"I belong to no one," he muttered in the end. The people he  _did_ belong to, was wiped out and the few dwarves with whom he could identify himself, were scattered to the four winds. 

"Then we have at least one thing in common." She tapped the head of the warg a few times and he stopped growling. "Be loyal to no one but yourself, Thorin. That will save you from great disappointment."

"Did you set this trap?" 

Scar gave him an intense look. "Does it make a difference? Will you nail me to a tree if I admit? Will you sniff disdainfully if I deny?"

Thorin knew he couldn't trust Scar, but still he was going to ask his question. He longed for an answer so badly he was willing to reveal his biggest secret. And deep down he was convinced Scar wouldn't care about it anyway. "Is it me they are looking for?"

"You really think you would still be alive if that was true?"  
  
The fact that she answered every question with a question was annoying him. "Maybe I do," he answered. "I can slay some orcs, believe me."

"While you were chitchatting with me, at least twenty orcs could have riddled your head with arrows."

A blush appeared on his cheeks. He felt so ashamed he couldn't come up with an answer this time. 

Scar took a step forward and the dark warg followed her as if he was her shadow. "But tell me... Why do you think the orcs are looking for you?"

He started to sweat, but he didn't know what was causing that: her being so close to him or the fear that she would pass the information she gained from this conversation. He found it likelier to believe that she would betray him to Azog than that she would tell Lord Elrond why they were seeking refugee. 

Thorin looked up to her, into her icy blue eyes. She wasn't as tall as the others elves, his forehead was on the same level as her chin. 

"No specific reason," he muttered. "Elrohir told me this doesn't happen usually."

Scar laid a hand against his chest. "You heart is racing in your chest." She brought her lips to his ear. "You aren't lying to me, are you? Thorin, last in the line of Durin?"

Thorin stared at her in shock. Her eyes were sparkling as if they were ice crystals. 

Scar let go of him. To their right a silhouet showed up and Thorin felt ice cold when he recognized Elladan. 

The elf stared to the other elf, his former lover, with a face that was just as cold. In the end it was Scar who got on her Warg and disappeared from sight. 

Thorin had the feeling he needed to apologize to his friend, whose stare seemed to stab him. 

"What did she want from you?"

Thorin could still feel her lips against his auricle. He took a deep breath and answered: "Nothing. I was after an orc when she ran into me. I thought she was going to kill me."

Elladan looked briefly at him. "Scar will never kill you. She rather plays with your mind, until you hate her so much you'll be the first to hit."

 


	31. Dís

Dís looked at the sleeping face of her son. He seemed to have managed to let go of the fear and the tension and Dís wished she could do the same. 

An elf got her a blanket and Elrohir had wrapped it around her. He sat next to her on the couch. Dís looked up and followed his gaze, that was aimed at the window. The sky started to become brighter.  

"They're not coming back, are they?" Dís whispered quietly. "I knew it. I knew it all along."

Elrohir took away his eyes from the sky to look at her. "I'm sure they're fine. My father and brother are still in the woods too. They're just expelling the last orcs and try to find Fíli's hiding place."

Dís turned away her face when his eyes showed his worries nevertheless. 

"They've faced many battles, Dís. My father as well as our brothers. Nothing will happen to them," Arwen ensured her. 

Carefully Dís touched the tips of Kíli's hair. "My father, grandfather and husband were great warriors too, but only one unexpected blow or jab can mean someone's end." She turned to Elrohir again. "I know you're worrying. I can read it in your eyes."

Elrohir heaved a sigh. "I lost sight of Thorin," he admitted. "I don't know where his mind was, but it certainly wasn't with his enemies."

A shiver crept down her spine while she wondered whether the wargs had called up memories. Memories of his dead friends and family. 

His words made her bottom lip quiver. She hadn't want to hear comforting lies, but the truth was so horrible she wished she'd never insisted. A tear rolled down her cheek and dripped on Kíli's chin, but he didn't notice. As if he was dead too. 

All of a sudden she panicked. 

"Kíli!" she yelled, touching for his neck to feel a heartbeat. Before she could find one, he opened his eyes. Confusion was written all over his face. Ashamed Dís turned her face away. She started to sob uncontrollably, no matter how hard she tried to stop the tears. 

"I'll take him to one of the dorm rooms," Arwen said quietly. 

Dís didn't respond. She didn't even look at Kíli as her friend lifted him from her lap. She was completely washed out. Every tear leaving her eyes, expanded the emptiness inside her. 

"It's okay," Elrohir told her softly. "It's okay to cry."

Dís didn't know what to answer, but she felt a bit calmer when he pulled her in his arms and let his chin rested on her head. 

* * *

Dís walked through a green field that extended as far as the eye could see. There was nothing but grass and a blue sky. No clouds. No trees. No flowers. No other creatures.

A deep calm washed over her and she had the feeling she'd finally reached her destination after a long journey. She'd put her luggage on the ground and realized how much it had hindered her freedom. There was nothing she needed to do. No secrets she had to keep, no children she had to take care of. There were no worries, no depressing memories. There was nothing, nothing at all and Dís had the feeling she came home and was welcomed by invisible arms. 

Arms that were becoming more and more visible, until she felt uncomfortable and was hearing intrusive whispers. 

"Wake up."

Confused Dís opened her eyes. Immediately she had the feeling she was carrying the packs of three horses, so heavy reality came down on her. 

"Thorin is back."

Her heart revived and she looked around. He indeed entered the room, followed by Elladan and Lord Elrond. 

Dís stood upright and Elrohir's arms slid off her. 

"Thorin," she whispered. 

He ran toward her and took her in his arms. 

"I was so scared," she whispered. "I was so afraid you wouldn't return."

Thorin ruffled her hair and she took a deep breath before she stepped back and looked at her brother, whose arms were bruised. None of the wounds however looked serious. 

"Where – where's Fíli?" 

Thorin sighed. "We haven't found him yet, Dís. Lord Elrond however insists we take a few hours rest before we continue the search."

She turned her face to Lord Elrond. "You promised me," she whispered. "You promised to bring him back."

Lord Elrond's eyes were aimed at a gaping wound in his shoulder as he answered: "I did, Dís, and I will. You need to be patient." He looked up. "And you need to rest."

Dís shook her head in silence. As if she would ever find rest as long as her son was missing...

 


	32. Thorin

Thorin hadn't returned to his own house, but to that of his sister. Dís made an unstable impression and he was afraid she could go crazy any moment. He didn't know exactly what to expect from her in such a situation. Maybe she would only collapse like a bag of potatoes, but there was also a chance she would lose it and run into the forest, determined to find her son. 

Thorin didn't think he would be able to fall asleep, but after tucking in Dís and Kíli and laying down on the couch, he noticed how heavy his eyelids felt and before he could think about the things Scar had told him or the fears Fíli could be facing right now, a thick blanket was draped over him, obscuring every thought until there was nothing but a deep silence. 

* * *

 

A few hours later Thorin was awakened by a knock on the door. He sat upright, rubbed the sleep out of his eyes and walked to the door. He still felt tired, but he was glad he'd rested for a few hours. 

"Shall we hit the road again?" Elrohir asked. "My father and brother are already at the gate."

Thorin nodded. "Of course. Give me a second, I'll write Dís a note." 

He motioned his friend to enter the house and walked to the dinner table. On the edge of it Dís kept a pile of parchment with quills and Thorin dipped the feather in the ink next to it and wrote a short letter to his sister. 

When he shoved the quill away and laid the note at the center of the table, he decided to check upon her before he would leave. "I'll be right back."

Carefully he opened the door of the room and his heart sank when he saw her empty bed. With a little more violence he opened the room of the boys, where Kíli was sleeping peacefully. 

A bit upset he returned to Elrohir. "She's gone."

His voice cracked. He usually hid his emotions, but he was worrying about his sister for more than a year now. She'd went through a period in which she no longer cared about herself before, and who knew what reckless things she would do while trying to find back her son. 

"Gone?" Elrohir repeated confused. "What do you mean? Where did she go?"

Thorin hung his fur coat over his shoulders, buckled his sword to his waist and shrugged his shoulders. "I think she went looking for Fíli herself. I have no idea where else she would go." He closed the door behind them and realized he couldn't leave Kíli alone. 

"Could you ask Arwen to look after Kíli?"

Elrohir nodded and rushed to the palace while Thorin headed for the abyss where Lord Elrond and Elladan were waiting for him. He wondered how last night would change their lives. It was clear as day his family created a stir in the whole community. Except his nephew, his sister had disappeared now too, by which they looked like a reckless family that couldn't comply with the rules. Lord Elrond wasn't a man who quickly judged other people's behavior, but he wouldn't permit them to jeopardize the rest of his kingdom and after the appearance of the orcs and the disappearance of half of the dwarfs, he might reconsider his decision to incorporate them into their community. 

"What happened?" Elladan asked with raised eyebrows. Apparently his sorrows were washing over his face. 

"Dís is gone. I think she's already in the woods."

His palms were clammy and he wiped them off on his pants. 

"We will find her," Lord Elrond spoke calmly. "The wargs and orcs have probably left and a large number of my men is already looking for the young dwarf."

 _Probably._ The word didn't feel right and Thorin couldn't take over Elrond's peace. Thorin told them Elrohir went to Arwen and they decided he would follow them as soon as he could. 

While they walked through the narrow passage to the woods, Thorin felt an ominous feeling coming down on him. It caused goose bumps and he quickened his pace so he could talk to the elf king, hoping the gloomy feelings would go away as the silence was broken. 

"Has anyone died tonight?"

Elrond shook his head. "No, fortunately everyone has returned." He glanced into the distance, where the high trees were waiting for them. "Almost everyone."


	33. Dís

A trickle of blood ran down her cheek, caused by a branch that had hit her face during her hasty search. Dís paid no attention to the wound.

"Fíli!"

Dís knew it was unwise to call her son's name. The last time she'd roamed through these woods, she'd been robbed and almost raped. She might even have died if Scar hadn't saved her. The gods hadn't been pleased with her at all lately, so she shouldn't take unnecessary risks, even though her whole search was something the elves and Thorin would have not recommended.

Dís didn't blame them. They lacked the instincts of a mother. No matter how exhausted she felt, she wouldn't be able to sleep as long as her son was gone.

Stumbling she worked her way through the bushes. Thorny branches found a way underneath her skirt and grabbed at the skin of her lower legs. Grunting she moved on, knowing her wounded mother's heart would leave deeper scars than whatever plant.

Her throat was burning of thirst. It gave Dís some sense of penance. She deserved to suffer, for she'd abandoned her son. She didn't understand how she could have let him out of her sight and she had to pay dearly for her carelessness.

The humidity level was high and even though that was a punishment Dís underwent willingly, it messed with her senses. She felt light-headed and weak. Sometimes she wanted to sit down to rest, but she was afraid she would never get up again. Perhaps she would waste precious time and find Fíli's dead body, if that wasn't already what Fate had in store for her...

Sometimes her heart skipped a beat because she thought to hear him, but after struggling, screaming helplessly and an emotional outburst she realized her imagination was playing tricks with her.

Dís knew she was an easy target, for she was just scouring forward and didn't try to detect danger at all. Only a random coincidence could bring her back to her son, for she'd gone far afield and she didn't even know if she was looking in the right direction, nor did she know how she could find her way back.

* * *

Eventually a time came despondency was taking over again. She fell down on her knees and started to sob. If she was already feeling so lost, how would Fíli feel? Or wouldn't he think about anything at all because he'd joined his father?

"I'm sorry, Famin," she muttered. "I can't do this. I can't do this without you."

By way of a response she suddenly heard footsteps behind her. Dís looked over her shoulder. Through her tears she saw someone coming closer. Her head however seemed to be filled with void and she wasn't able to distinguish friend from enemy.

Or was it Famin? Had he miraculously returned?

"Dís..."

Tears clouded her eyes as she looked up to him. "I – I missed you so much," she mumbled. "Are you here to take me away?"

"Yes, I will take you home."

His voice sounded friendly and loving and Dís showed a watery smile. She felt a hand on her back.

"Can you stand up?"

Dís shook her head. "Hold me," she whispered. "Please, hold me."

She felt hollow when he didn't respond to her wish. Was he angry? Did he know what had happened to her son?

"Are you okay, Dís?"

She looked at him, her eyes glazing over, and she barely reacted when he pushed a bottle of water in her hands. She became aware of her burning throat again and took a few sips.

Slowly her surroundings became more clear. She felt devastated when she realized it was not Famin who'd crouched down next to her, but Lord Elrond.

"Oh," she muttered, both defeated and ashamed. "Oh."

Tears filled her eyes again. For a moment she'd really believed her husband had been with her, but it had been nothing but a fantasy.

"I thought..." She couldn't tell him what she'd been thinking, and that was probably for the best too.

"It doesn't matter."

"Have you found Fíli?"

De elf lord shook his head. "Not yet. I actually thought I was following his trail, but we will find him, Dís. Just like I have found you."

He offered his hand to help her on her feet and with trembling fingers Dís took his hand, even though she didn't dare to look him in the eye. It felt like she was losing more and more of her dignity when he was around.


	34. Scar

From a distance Scar watched the boy, who was hitting a wooden dummy with his sword. The weapon was almost as tall as the young dwarf himself, but he showed a determination that was surprising her. Sometimes the exhaustion was forcing him on his knees, but after catching his breath he always stood up, determined to go on.

Morana, the warg that was keeping her company for years, had picked up his scent last night. Scar had recognized the boy immediately. She knew the elves were looking for him, but she hadn't brought the kid back and to her surprise the boy hadn't even asked for it. 

"What are you doing here?" she'd asked him. 

"Protecting mommy."

The answer had brought a smile on her face, which was a rarity. 

"You've learned how to protect her?"

The boy had shaken his head, and so Scar had offered him to teach him how to fight. He'd taken the offer without a second thought.

Scar found it refreshing to have a happy heart around. She lived in isolation for a very long time and even though that had been her own decision, she still felt lonely. It hadn't always been that way. Once she had a family too. A brother and a sister, with whom she ran through the fields. Now she could only do that alone, for they were no longer in a condition to do so. 

She'd gotten used to spending time on her own, but sometimes it was better not to live for yourself solely. Scar knew she could teach the young Fíli things from which he would benefit the rest of his life. 

"It's been enough for today," she spoke as the boy was trembling on his legs. Sweat drops glided down his forehead and his face was red. For a moment he looked doubtfully at her, then he nodded and dropped down on the grass. 

Scar saw the bushes move, Morana crossed the field. There was an alert look in her eyes and Scar studied Fíli's face. The boy expressed a healthy fear for the creature, but she thought to see also fascination in his eyes. He respected the races he did not know, even when they were shunned by his own people. 

"Kul-izg Gothmog," she said. "Say that to her."

Fíli gave her a hesitating look. The kid wasn't dumb. He might not know much about the Black Speech, but the dark timbre wasn't leaving him indifferent. 

"She won't hurt you."

"What will I tell her?" he wanted to know. 

She smiled approvingly. He was a smart kid. She wondered if that went for his parents too, or that wisdom was fading with the years. 

"You will tell her you're her master. She will obey you."

The dwarf was still doubting as he looked at the creature that was just as tall as he was.

"Doesn't she deserve to be free?" he mused. "Instead of having to obey someone?"

His childlike innocence was endearing. 

"Unfortunately they aren't created for that purpose. They will respond to the commands of someone else. You better make sure those are yours."

The boy didn't seem to be convinced and again she admired the respect he showed to other life forms. In the end he squared his shoulders. 

"Kul-izg Gothmog," he repeated. 

Scar looked at his bright eyes, but there was no black gloom taken them over.


	35. Dís

Dís was aware of the fact that Lord Elrond's worried eyes didn't leave her face for a single moment. It made her incredibly nervous, for she had the feeling her legs could collapse any moment while she was trying to convince him she was feeling fine and didn't need his help. 

They didn't speak to each other, which wasn't easing the awkwardness. Dís felt so ashamed she didn't dare to look at anything but the ground. The words she'd spoken to him were the most embarrassing things she'd ever told anyone. She felt ashamed for mistaken him for Famin. She felt ashamed for leaving his kingdom without saying anything. She felt ashamed for being such a weakling who couldn't even take care of her own children. She couldn't even take care of herself. 

The guilt and terror she was going through, were tearing her up. She had the feeling she was only walking backwards while Rivendell was becoming more and more unreachable. 

"You need to rest."

Dís shook her head stubbornly and wanted to move on, but her cheeks turned red as the elf stood still in front of her, blocking her way. "There's no time to rest," she whispered. "I have to find him."

"We will, Dís."

His calm voice got on her nerves and she looked up. It was the first time she looked him right in the eye. "You were supposed to bring him back yesterday! You promised me! You would search for my son and now you are wasting your time with me! Just leave me behind and get me as soon as you've found Fíli."

Lord Elrond stared at her, motionlessly. Still he remained calm. 

"I'm more worried about you than about your son, Dís."

"That doesn't make sense!" she objected. "My son isn't even ten years old! He's a little child. I will be fine." Tears rolled down her cheeks.

"The others are looking for him."

"You promised me," she whispered. "You promised me. Doesn't your word mean anything?"

 "I'll live up to my word as soon as you're safe."

Dís felt her legs couldn't carry her much longer. She leaned against a tree and begged the elf lord to leave. She didn't want him to carry her, just like his son had done. It was dehumanizing to be hold like an infant. 

"Please, just leave me behind," she whispered. "Please."

Lord Elrond heaved a deep sigh. "It's not much further. Sit down for a while."

"Then I won't be able to get up again," she muttered ashamed. 

"Of course you will."

He laid a compelling hand on her shoulder. She was already feeling so weak it was enough to force her on her knees. She lowered herself on the cold, with moss overgrown ground. 

"Eat this."

Lord Elrond handed her a piece of lembas bread. Dís had tried it once before, but it hadn't tasted well. 

"You will feel stronger after you've eaten this."

Dís didn't dare to argue with him again and took the elfen bread from him. Watching her raggedy shoes, she took a few tiny bites. 

While calming down a bit, she realized she hadn't spoken a single word to him she didn't feel ashamed of. She'd called him a liar. An oath breaker. She didn't honor her race at all. No wonder elves considered dwarfs as rude and thoughtless. 

"Why are you doing this?" Dís whispered. "It's humiliating."

"I do not wish to make you feel that way." A silence fell, which the elf broke eventually. "I have seen what grief does to creatures, Dís. I have seen how my wife's grief drove her to madness, until she wished to leave this earth. I don't want you to wander alone while flows of tears are following you."

Dís bit her lip as a tear escaped her eye. Not only did Lord Elrond remind her of Famin; apparently she reminded him of Celebrían as well.   
  
  



	36. Thorin

Thorin only gave up the search when his legs could no longer carry him and Elrohir forced him to go back. They had combed the whole area and slowly he was starting to accept that his nephew was no longer alive. He had to be torn apart by a warg. The kid had probably been so small that there were no traces left. He had no idea how to tell his suspicions to his sister. She had gone through so much that he was afraid that this would be the last straw. Kíli and Fíli had been the ones that kept her going, and even then sometimes with great effort. 

As he reached Rivendell, he heard that Dís had returned with Lord Elrond. As soon as the elves had went to find her, he hadn't doubt her safety for one moment. 

"Is she asleep?" he asked Arwen as he found her in the living room. Apparently the elf would make sure that Dís wouldn't leave again. 

Arwen nodded. "Yes, the poor woman was exhausted."

"Thank you for taking care of her."

"With pleasure." She gave him a friendly smile. "I will stay here tonight. You need your sleep as well."

Thorin had wanted to dismiss her, but he changed his mind. She was right. He was dead tired and he probably couldn't stay awake for one more hour if he 'stood guard'. He returned to his own house and dropped on the bed without taking his clothes off.

* * *

Thorin saw his sister go downhill. Finally she had came out of her shell a bit, by trial and error, but now she was back to square one. She didn't eat, didn't leave the house and when they wanted to keep her company, she retreated to her bedroom. She barely said anything to them and when Thorin tried to talk to her, he had the feeling none of his words got through to her. 

Thorin often returned to the forest where Fíli had disappeared, but as the weeks went by he knew he wouldn't find the boy again. 

Kíli copied the behavior of his mother. Often he sat in front of the window, staring outside, his toys untouched; and the elf children with whom he had played sometimes no longer knocked on the door, knowing he would reject them anyway. 

"I don't know what to do anymore," he sighed frustrated as he was sitting on the shore of the lake, together with Elladan and Elrohir.   
  
The faces of both elves had a severe expression. Thorin knew Dís' behavior reminded them of their mother. After she had been captured by orcs, she had also been lethargic and depressed, until she had decided to leave Middle Earth. 

Thorin feared that his sister would make that decision too. She had wanted to die before, after Famin and Frerin had died, but Fíli and Kíli had made her pull through. Now, her eldest son was gone and the youngest one had lost his youthful spirit as well. 

Thorin felt horrible for not being able to help her. More and more he had the feeling that he was wasting his time here. Dís didn't let him in. She no longer wanted to be helped by him. Now and then he thought about his father, who might need his help as well. He had no idea if his father was still alive, but as his son it was his duty to look for him and the more time he was wasting on fishing and riding through the woods, the more determined he became to go looking for him. 

"I think I'm going away for a while," he told his friends. "I want to go looking for my father. Right now I can't do anything for Dís anyway."

In the eyes of the elves he saw their shock, even though it wasn't the first time he had shared his worries about his father. 

"I'd like to go with you," Elladan said to his surprise. "You shouldn't travel alone."

Thorin shook his head, determined. There was still a price on his head and he didn't want to drag his friend into his misery. "There's no need to come with me."

A hesitating smile crossed Elladan's face. "I wasn't asking for your permission."

His words filled his heart with warmth. It had been a long time since someone had cared so much about his family and he had never expected that a friendship with an elf could grow so close. 

Elladan looked at his brother. "What will you do?"

Elrohir stared into the distance for a while. The two never separated, but Thorin was aware of his doubts. He cared almost as much about Dís as Thorin himself did.

"I will stay here," he said eventually, without looking at his brother. "I don't like to travel long distances."

Elladan raised his eyebrows. Thorin felt a tension between the two brothers, as if Elrohir had just chosen a woman over his brother. 

"I'll get my things." The elf stood up, leaving them behind. 

Thorin glanced at Elrohir, who sighed. 

"He blames me for loving someone while Scar has abandoned him."

Thorin kept silent. For some reason a relationship between Scar and Elladan seemed very... cold. Their break-up must have changed them both. 

"I am grateful that you want to stay behind because of my sister," Thorin said. For now it was too soon, only one and half year had passed since her husband had died, but Thorin knew Dís needed someone who loved her in another way than he did.


	37. Dís

Lethargically, Dís stared at the door when someone knocked on it. She glanced at Kíli, hoping he would open the door, but he was sleeping on the couch. Her legs felt like they were made of jelly and she was sure she couldn't even take two steps. 

"Go away," she whispered. 

The words were way too soft to reach the door. 

"Dís, open up!" 

It was Thorin and he was clearly annoyed. That wasn't exactly a rare phenomenon the past days, his visits giving her less and less joy. He didn't understand her. He didn't feel that horrible pain torturing her with every move she made. He didn't feel that inevitable, downward pressure that was always threatening to crush her. 

"I'm leaving!" he yelled. "So if you want to say goodbye to me, you better open that door!"

These sudden words startled her. Where would he go? Was he abandoning her? Suddenly she felt so much fear that it filled her with new strength so she could shuffle to the door, opening it. 

"You... You don't mean that, right?" she stammered with wide, dismayed eyes. 

"I do, I'm going to find father."

She shook her head, tears jumping in her eyes. "You're leaving Kíli and me behind? We need you!"

"You do? Didn't feel that way, the past weeks," he grumbled. "All you do, is sit in your room. You don't let anyone in anymore. Well, you can just keep sitting there until I come back."

Dís didn't know how to respond. Of course she wanted her father to be found, but deep inside she knew that he was dead, like everyone she'd ever cared about was dead. 

"He's gone," she muttered. "He's dead, Thorin."

"You don't know that. He might just as well be wandering around, looking for other dwarfs. Maybe he's wounded, waiting for help."

"He disappeared one and a half year ago, Thorin," she answered, shaking her head. "If he had been wounded, he's dead now."

"Rubbish."

Dís didn't know what to say. She didn't want to say goodbye. She didn't want anyone else to walk out of her life. The world was a dangerous place and she didn't expect to see him back. 

Hesitantly she looked at him. Thorin stepped forward, taking her face between his hands. "Pull yourself together, Dís. Be the mother Kíli needs, for your sadness is his cage. Find your way among the elves like I did and before you know it, I'll be back. With father." He pushed his forehead against hers. "I love you, my dear sister, and I'm not abandoning you. The elves will take care of you. Nothing will happen to you, nor to me. Elladan will join me; we will return."

A lump appeared in her throat. Her eyes were itching, but she seemed to be ran out of tears.  

"I don't want you to leave," she whispered. "I can't do this without you."

"You can, Dís. You're a daughter of Durin. Never forget that." He pressed a kiss to her forehead and turned around. 

Dís saw that Elladan was waiting in the shadows, flanked by Arwen and Elrohir; his father standing behind him. Quickly she dropped her eyes as she realized how unkempt she looked, with her unwashed and uncombed hair. She had seen neither of them for a long time. Arwen had paid her a lot of visits, but in the end Dís had asked her to stay away. Since that moment Elrohir hadn't shown himself either and Lord Elrond... he hadn't kept his promise and even though Fíli had never been his responsibility, it had been the perfect excuse to avoid the elf king. 

He had brought her home, instead of Fíli. He could have saved her boy if he had granted her wishes, however he had ignored her longings and they both had to pay the price for it now. 


	38. Thorin

 

Thorin knew he had spoken harsh words, but he didn't regret his decision. Still he knew Dís wouldn't leave his mind for a split second. She was his sister – his last living relative and he had abandoned her. She might be in good hands with the elves, but that didn't guarantee a positive mindset. Thorin however told himself he couldn't do anything for her as he was in Rivendell, not now she was keeping everyone at bay, and hopefully she wound finally realize to what result her constant rejections led. 

He patted Uriah's neck; the pony Lord Elrond had given to him. A gift that Thorin had taken reluctantly, since he had questioned the goodness of the elf king more than once. It was still hard to imagine that someone could have such a pure heart. It contrasted so strongly with the only other elf king he had ever met that it messed with his head.

"Here we go." Elladan looked over his shoulder a last time, but his home town was already invisible. 

Thorin was Elladan immensely grateful for his help, but he realized there was no plan. He just wanted to go to Moria to search the area, looking for a sign of his father, refusing to think about the hordes of orcs that might roam around the lands and the memories that being there might trigger.

"Is it long ago since you went out?" Thorin asked curiously. 

From his maroon stallion, Elladan looked at him. "I've visited some cities now and then, but it's a long time ago I crossed half of Middle Earth."

"Have you been to every place?"

The elf shrugged his shoulders. "More or less." 

Thorin wanted to ask further, but suddenly he caught a movement to his right. Snapping his head to the side, he perceived a young warg between the bushes. "Look at that," he grunted, quickly gearing up his bow and putting an arrow on the string. "I thought there were no wargs so close to Rivendell?"

"Some must have stayed behind after the Feast of the Summer Gates."

"As it seems they've found a new place to breed."

Thorin aimed the arrow, pulled the string and let go of it. It might be just a whelp, but in time it would undoubtedly become large and fearsome. 

To his surprise, a second arrow split the air, hitting his. He missed the young warg and the creature disappeared between the bushes. 

Alarmed Thorin looked around, afraid there were orcs lying in wait. It however was a small, slender figure that silently came to stood between him and the warg.

"You can't kill Morn."

Thorin almost fell off his pony as he recognized his nephew, who was looking at him with a stern glance. "Fíli?"

The boy barely reacted on his voice and worried, Thorin dismounted his horse. "It's me, your uncle."

"I know that."

"I – what are you doing here?" His appearance and distant behavior confused him. 

"This is bad," Elladan whispered.

Thorin aimed his questioning glance to the side and his friend nodded to the white bow in Fili's hands. Behind him the small warg had appeared, who was just as pale as the bow the boy was carrying. "There is only one elf coddling wargs."

Scar, Thorin understood. He turned around, finding the elf behind him. She didn't move, nor did her shiny, black warg. 

"Looks like you've met my apprentice."

Thorin was almost bursting with anger when he heard those words. "You kept him here all this time?! His mother is worried to death! She isn't eating or sleeping for weeks!"

"Then she should have asked for my help," Scar answered shrugging. "I didn't hold Fíli here against his will. He was actually really motivated to learn new things."

"You learned him to shoot!" Thorin snapped. "He's just a kid!"

"At least he's now a kid who knows how to protect himself."

Grumbling, Thorin strode to his nephew and grabbed his upper arm. "You're going back to your mom. Now."

The boy tried to liberate himself from his uncle's strong grasp, but Thorin didn't give in. 

"Only if I can take Morn with me."

"That's not my call."

Fíli looked past him, like he was some kind of monster Scar needed to save him from. 

"It's okay, Fíli. Go with your uncle."

Elladan snorted disdainfully. "Just like that?"

"Of course not," she admitted with a blank face. "Fíli will go with his uncle if he allows me to accompany the two of you."


	39. Dís

For the first time in a long periode, Dís had opened the shutters, welcoming the sunlight. The words of her brother kept rattling around her head. 

"You're a daughter of Durin. Never forget that." 

It was something she had forgotten the past months. She had lost herself; not for a single moment she had thought about her origin. She had been stuck in her memories, losing sight of reality completely. Thorin had left her. Fíli had left her.

Kíli was the only one who was still around and she didn't want to lose him too because she couldn't handle reality. 

Dís knew she had pushed her love ones away. Not only her family, also Elrohir and Arwen. Arwen, who had wanted to be her friend. Shame filled her heart as she thought back to her stubborn rejections, all the times the elf had offered her help. 

Arwen had behaved like a true friend, but Dís was so consumed by her grief that she hadn't appreciated all her efforts. Now she looked back, she understood what Lord Elrond had feared – and with good reason. He had warned her and expressed his sorrows, but she hadn't listened. The time had come to square her shoulders, to be strong, like her ancestors had been in hard times.

Now the sun rays clothed the house in a different light, she realized how messy it was. Dust had piled up like a thin layer of snow and there was dinnerware everywhere – even with leftovers. Lighting the fire, she anchored a kettle above the flames and started to clean the place. She intended to throw away the shroud of grief and turn over a new leaf. She wanted her parents to look down with pride, and that Frerin and Famin were smiling instead of helplessly watching how the light in her eyes was extinguishing. 

The table was just spic and span when someone knocked on the door. For a moment her thoughts shot to Thorin, and her mood darkened a bit as she realized that she wouldn't see him anytime soon. 

Opening the door, she was warmly greeted by Arwen. Her eyes were shining and Dís wondered if they had always been that way. 

"There's someone who would like to see you."

Dís looked at her with a mixture of curiosity and nervousness. The first face appearing in her mind's eye, was Lord Elrond. A blush spread across her cheeks, despite the fact that she really couldn't think of anyone but Elrohir or him. 

"I don't know where Kíli is..."

She had sent him outside when she started cleaning, believing that the sun would warm his heart too. 

"Kíli already knows."

"Okay..." She looked over her shoulder, to the fire that was still cracking. "I don't know if –"

"Please, Dís!" Laughing, Arwen grabbed her hand and pulled her along across the path leading towards the main square. Parallel to the road streamed one of the many rivers. For a moment Dís glanced in the reflection of the water, but she didn't look very nice. There were dust and stains on her dress, her hair bound together in a messy ponytail. 

"I'm not dressed for a meeting with whoever," she muttered. 

Arwen chuckled softly. "You don't have to."

That was easy to say for the elf princess, Dís thought, shaking her head. She always looked beautiful. 

They walked across the square, where more elves had gathered. Lord Elrond was standing close to the fountain and her heart bounced painfully in her chest. Actually she didn't want to face him; she had misbehaved in his presence and she wanted nothing more than apologizing to him. 

Those thoughts however disappeared the moment her eye caught the little boy standing next to him. 

"Fíli," she whispered. Tears jumped into her eyes and she started to run towards her son. Before her arms were surrounding him, tears were rolling down her cheeks. 

This time, they were tears of joy.


	40. Thorin

"You've accompanied us long enough now," Elladan noted in a cold tone as they had passed just a few trees. 

"I kept my word," Scar answered calmly. "I advice you to do the same. If not, I will not be answerable for the consequences."

Thorin didn't know what to do. He didn't take her threats lightly – who knew what she had done with Fíli the past weeks? Her answers gave him the feeling that she was still holding power over the boy. Thorin had no idea what to expect, but he had no doubt that she had spent the time with his nephew well. He had changed. The moment Thorin had looked him in the eye, he had noted that his innocence was faded. His new pet was just one example. He didn't know if lord Elrond would allow a small warg into the community. Thorin would find it entirely understandable if his hospitality had its limits. Accepting four dwarfs was one thing, but wargs were a whole different breed. Thorin wouldn't be surprised if Fíli would also have a little orc friend hidden somewhere. 

A deep sigh coming from Elladan's mouth made Thorin look up again. He was afraid that his friend would reconsider his decision to accompany him. Thorin had looked forward to spend more time with Scar, but now the moment was there he didn't feel comfortable at all and he feared that she would drive a wedge between Elladan and him. It was clear that a lot had happened between those two and he still had a hard time picturing a loving relationship between them. Neither Elladan nor Elrohir had wanted to tell him what had gone wrong, and he didn't expect to hear it from Scar either. 

"You can also follow a mile behind us with that monster of yours," Elladan said.

Scar laughed. There was no trace of warmth in her voice. "We both know you'll be looking over your shoulder the whole time, instead of keeping an eye on the road. You're of no use to the dwarf if you're constantly distracted."

The last thing Thorin wanted, was listen to the quarrels of those two creatures the whole time. Usually they were both quiet, but they made every word sound like a riddle now, as if they had some secret code to talk about things he didn't understand.

"Why do you want to join us?" Thorin asked. 

He had always found it hard to talk to her, but he didn't want to give her the reins. 

"I think you'll need my help," she stated simply. 

"Why would you want to help?" He was genuinely surprised, and he felt a little ashamed of his blunt answer. 

"Do I need a special reason? Have you ever asked Lord Elrond why he does a lot of good for you and your sister? Maybe I'm not the monster Elladan is seeing in me."

"You're not a monster," the elf muttered, without bothering to look at her. "You're way worse than that."

Thorin's hands felt clammy. He was afraid the two would soon jump off their mounts to fight their battle. There was no way to predict who of them would win, and both outcomes sounded like a loss. Elladan because he was one of his closest friends and Scar because... 

Well he didn't exactly know why, but he did know that he didn't want to see her leave. 

Not for good and certainly not before he knew more about her than her name – although he doubted that was even her real name – the broken relationship with Elladan and her love for wargs.


	41. Dís

Dís rather did not, but she let go of her son. "Where have you been?" she asked, looking at him through a blur of tears. "How did you get back?"

Fíli didn't answer, but aimed his attention at the elf king. "I will return on one condition."

Lord Elrond's eyebrows raised in surprise and Dís' cheeks turned red. Confused, her eyes shot from Kíli to the king of Rivendell. 

"Don't talk like that," she uttered, her voice sounding fragile. "Lord Elrond doesn't owe us anything."

"Let the boy speak."

Dís bowed her head and whispered: "Of course."

"I have a friend. I'd like him to stay." Determined, the boy crossed his arms. "He has nobody else."

"Why don't you introduce him to us, Fíli?"

Dís didn't know what to say and took it all in. Someone grabbed her hand and when she looked to the side, Arwen gave her an encouraging smile. 

Her son whistled and was greeted by a dead silence. Nothing could have prepared her for the animal that ran towards them. For a moment she had wondered if he had made friends with a lost pony or a rabbit, but she was just as bewildered as everyone else when a snow white warg came to stand next to Fíli.

"Stay away from that monster!" Dís cried out. 

She remembered the injuries on the faces of her brother and husband all too well. They had been torn apart by the claws of the same creature. 

"Don't call him a monster," Fíli protested. "His name is Morn and he is my friend." He held out his hand and stroked his thick fur. His eyes were still focused on Lord Elrond. "I understand if you want to discuss the matter with your advisers first."

Dís' eyes almost popped out of their sockets when she heard his words, it almost felt like he had rehearsed them. "That's enough." She grabbed Fíli's wrist. The warg started to growl, and bent his legs, ready to attack. A shiver crept down her spine and helplessly she glanced at Lord Elrond. 

"I believe this is a matter I should discuss with you and not with my advisers," the man answered calmly. "Until then, I can't allow your friend to walk around freely in Imladris. You can send him back to the forest or lock him up in one of the empty stables. 

Pensively, the young dwarf looked forward. "Uhk-tau."

After that strange word the warg turned around and ran across the square, in the direction of the chasm. Dís' joy because of the return of her son slumbered. The boy who stood in front of her now seemed like a stranger. In the past weeks his age seemed to have doubled. Only now, she noticed the quiver of arrows he was wearing over his shoulder and the bow he was holding in his hand. 

"Will you come with me to the palace, Fíli?" Elrond asked. "There we can find a quiet place to talk."

Lost, Dís watched her son nod before he started to climb the stairs. The other elves turned around and continued what they had been doing, leaving Dís alone with Kíli and the royal family. 

"Would you mind if I talk to him first?" Lord Elrond asked softly. 

Dís stared at her feet. "He's my son," she whispered. "I – I should do that, right?"

He laid a hand on her shoulder. "I'm afraid things are a little more complicated. Dealing with a warg in a peaceful way is unusual, but never before someone spoke Morbeth – Black Speech – in my kingdom."


	42. Dís

Her chewed fingernails were proof of the nerves that seemed to be indomitable. Hours seemed to creep by and Dís had studied the floor in such a way that she could blindly point out any little stain. 

Arwen and Elrohir sat next to her in silence. In the beginning they had tried to cheer her up; telling her that Fíli was at least alive and that they were sure things looked worse than they were, but as the time went by they had lost their own conviction. 

Dís wondered what Lord Elrond and her son were talking about, and she was surprised when an elf neared them, holding a sleeping Fíli in his arms. 

"Lord Elrond wishes to speak to you, milady."

"I'll take Fíli to bed," Arwen said before Dís could raise protests. 

With a sigh she nodded, where after Elrohir took her to the room where his father was waiting for her. 

Maybe Fíli's sleeping face should have put her mind at rest, but the panic was harder to fight with every step she took. Dís didn't know where those fearful feelings were coming from. Once again she felt like the defeated woman who had arrived here months ago, terrified to face an elf king. By now she knew that Lord Elrond had given them more than she could ever have hoped for, but her fingers were still trembling as if they had found a reason to disagree. 

"Everything will be all right." Elrohir took her hand and waited until she looked up to him, so he could show her an encouraging smile. 

"Can't you come with me?" she whispered. 

The sympathetic expression on the face of the elf changed into one of surprise, and she realized how unfriendly that had to sound. As if she didn't trust his father. Before he could answer, she pulled her hand away from his fingers and opened the door. 

"My apologies," she muttered when she realized her next mistake. "I –I forgot to knock."

"There's no need to apologize, Dís."

His voice sounded exhausted and he created the impression that he couldn't wait until this conversation was over. Dís knew his day would have been much more peaceful if she had never showed up at his doors, and she realized how much trouble she had caused him the past months. 

"I... I think it's better if we leave, don't you think?" 

She stared at the floor, as if her neck had grown into that position the past hours. Footsteps neared and Dís didn't dare to look up. His silence felt like a silent agreement with her words. Her hands were still shaking and even the intertwining of her fingers didn't change that. 

"Where do you want to go, Dís?"

His voice sounded from very close. Suddenly his presence seemed to fill the whole room, as if he didn't want to leave her space to breathe. 

"I don't know."

A tear rolled down her cheek. They would be a burden to anyone and Thorin was no longer by their side to protect them. 

"You would do well to stop looking for the worst in others."

His voice told her that she had hurt him, making her feel even more miserable. 

"I know that I disappointed you by not finding your son. That however doesn't mean that I don't care about the safety of your family. My powers are not supreme, Dís, but I do everything I can to give you a home and still you seem to think that I would rather see you leave. The reign of a kingdom shouldn't be in my hands if I would give much weight to the overconfidence of a little child. What happened to Fíli isn't his fault, nor yours. In his childlike innocence he took things for granted with which we, with more life experience, disagree with."

Dís didn't know what to say. It felt like there was a stain on every word leaving her lips, and she actually felt not worthy to be in his presence. It weren't only her words she felt ashamed of, but also her chewed fingernails, shaking hands and huddled position.  She however didn't know how to get past it. 

For a while there was a deep silence, and the only thing she could hear was their breathing. In the end there were only two words slipping her lips. 

"I'm sorry."

Those words elicited a sigh from his lips and Dís realized there were no words she had said more often to him than those 

"Go home, Dís. I hope a good night's sleep and being together with your son again will do you good. Except for his knowledge about the Black Speech, I have found no traces of magic. I allowed him to care for the warg, but only outside in the woods and with your permission. I think you should be the one making arrangements with him."

With an enormous willpower Dís managed to look up to him, but his face didn't look all too friendly. 

"Thank you," she murmured. A new tear appeared in the corner of her eye and she quickly blinked it away. 

Lord Elrond walked past her and opened the door. In a hurry Dís left the room. Despite his positive words, she felt lost without knowing why.


	43. Thorin

The search for his father had been on his mind for quite a while. It had been inevitable, something he would have started sooner or later. Now he had really started, he realized what an impossible task it was. He could be  _anywhere._

That wouldn't have been that bad if Thorin had been alone, but now he had the feeling that his two companions were waiting for a plan and he actually had none. He just hoped to pick up his trail somehow. 

Night had fallen and they had lit a fire. They had left behind the territory of the elves, and the past days their journey had taken them along green fields with here and there a tree. In the woods Scar had isolated herself a lot, but this time there were no bushes that could take her from sight. Nevertheless, she sat a little away from them. The warg had laid his massive head on her lap and her fingers were stroking its fur while she was staring into the distance. 

By now Thorin was so driven to understand her that he would give an arm to find out what was going on in her head. Which thoughts crossed her mind? How did she feel about this quest? Was she taking him for a fool? Was annoying Elladan the only reason she had wanted to join them? He glanced at the other side of the fire where Elladan was sitting. His eyes were focused on the smoldering wood producing crackling sounds. His face was blank, like an emotionless mask. He knew that Elladan missed his brother, for they hadn't been separated often. It called up memories about his own little brother. When they had been younger, they had loved to go out, exploring the woods close to Erebor. All those woods had been reduced to dust now, and the same went for his brother. Although Death had taken most of his family members away from him, he found it still hard to accept that they were gone. Even when he had seen them die, by sword or by dragon fire, his brain still refused to accept the truth, even after all those years. He kept holding on to the vague conviction that they were on a long trip and were looking for a way to return home. 

Home. 

Actually there was no home anymore, except for the house in Rivendell. That however never had been a  _real_ home; it was something temporary where Dís and his nephews could stay for a while. Thorin hoped the tide would turn some day, so they could live among other dwarfs again. 

The last time he had spoken to a dwarf other than his family, was a long time ago; more than a year had passed since they had left the Blue Mountains. He felt ashamed for never trying to find out what had happened to the other dwarfs. 

After a short hesitation he stood up and walked to Scar. A little away from the warg, he crouched down. 

"You have a little knowledge about what the orcs are doing right now, right?"

" _The_ orcs? That's a broad definition. I neither know what " _the_ dwarves" or " _the_ humans" are doing."

Thorin's mind weighed to heavy to play along. "Do you know what happened to the dwarfs of the Blue Mountains?"

Scar looked at him. He didn't like the look in her eyes. 

"They didn't tell you?"

"Tell me what?" Thorin asked, having the feeling he was suffocating. 

"The Blue Mountains were overrun by orcs a few months ago. The kingdom of dwarfs has fallen – just like its predecessors. Right now, the dwarfs of the Iron Hills are the only ones who have escaped a miserable fate."


	44. Dís

The wind toyed with her brown hair and sang softly in her ears. Its sounds found their way through the blindfold that was tied around her head. The noise was joined by two footsteps, which stopped right behind her. 

Dís' fingertips stroked the blades of grass on both sides of her as she waited with a childlike nervousness. Birthdays had always made her feel stressful, and now she was no longer around her kin she didn't know what to expect. 

Arwen had brought her a new dress this morning. The gleaming fabric had been crimson, which had looked surprisingly beautiful on her. Although elves didn't celebrate their birthdays, Arwen and her family found it important that she kept her own traditions alive. 

"You can turn around."

Dís did as her was told. She wobbled on her feet, afraid to fall into the small creek. The shadows of Arwen's hands were visible through the blindfold as she took it away and laid it down in the grass. 

Dís felt a pang in her stomach as she saw what Arwen was holding in her hands. It was a small, silver crown with an inlaid of gems. Her bottom lip quivered and there were so many emotions festering through her body that she couldn't even identify them. 

"You might have lost your kingdom," Arwen spoke as she carefully placed the crown on Dís' head. "But you're still a princess and you should be treated like one."

"Oh Arwen," she sobbed. 

The elf princess wrapped her arms around her and pulled her close. "You don't value yourself enough, Dís. Never forget that you are a princess."

For a while they maintained their embrace, but eventually Arwen let go of her and pushed her softly towards the waterside. The elf whispered a few words; the surface of the water became smooth, showing her reflection. 

The gems had the same color as her dress, and for the first time since long she had the feeling that her parents were looking over her shoulder, smiling with pride. 

"The dress and the crown... they are beautiful."

Arwen laid her hands on Dís' shoulders. "There is not only beauty on the outside." She took Dís' hand and pressed it to her chest, above her heart. "Your heart is beautiful too. It really is."

Dís showed her a watery smile. For a while they stared into the water, then they returned to the court where the others were waiting. 

. . .

To dwarfish traditions, it was customary for every invitee to spent a small part of the day with the one whose birthday they were celebrating, and the sight of all the people attending the party warmed her heart. Her boys had made works of art for her, many had given her garlands of flowers with magical traits; some lit up in the dark, others were attracting small, blue birds which she could watch for hours. It was a magical day; one she would never forget. 

This morning she had rode out with Elrohir. He had given her a handmade bow with matching arrows, and the knowledge that the elf had known about that old tradition had warmed her heart. There hadn't been a single year that Dís hadn't started her birthday with a hunt and she was glad that she didn't have to skip it among the elves. It gave her the soothing feeling that not everything was lost. She was still connected to her old life; she had just taken a new path. 

As soon as they neared the others, her sons wrapped their arms around her legs, as if they weren't too happy to share their mother today. Líndir offered her a chalice, and with a hint of a smile she drank from the sweet mead. It really was a nice fortieth birthday and she hoped nothing would change her mind about that.

"That crown suits you really well, Dís." 

Dís turned around, saw Elrohir and blushed. "Thank you."

He offered her a warm smile and stepped to the side. Dís felt nervous as he made room for his father, and all the blood streamed to her face as Lord Elrond kissed her cheek. 

Shyly, she looked up to the elf king. 

"Enjoying your presence for another year gives the world joy, Dís. I'd like to offer you a gift too."

 

 


	45. The Gift of the Elf Lord

For some inexplicable reason, Dís' heart raced in her chest. Even with a crown on her head and after taking presents from a prince and a princess, she could barely believe that Lord Elrond wanted to gladden her with a gift too. 

"If you'll come with me, please..."

Nervously, Dís picked at the pleats of her new dress as she followed Lord Elrond. She had the feeling that everyone was watching her, and that they all noticed her red cheeks. What reason would they ascribe to them? 

In her life there had only been one other man who had caused her red cheeks, and she didn't want to accept that it was happening again. The only reason why she felt so uncomfortable around him, was because he was a king. He decided about her life and he had offered her a home, not knowing there was a vengeful orc who wanted to end her bloodline. Sometimes she had the feeling that Lord Elrond knew more than he told her; at times he gave her an unpleasant feeling as if he could look right into her soul, unraveling secrets she tried to keep from him and his people. 

"Did you enjoy the day up to now?" he asked as they left the plaza, going down a road Dís hadn't been on before. 

"There are no words to express my gratefulness," Dís answered. "I hadn't expected anything like this." She forced herself to look up, since she didn't want to be rude. There was a hint of a smile around Lord Elrond's lips, making her own lips curl up too. 

"It was interesting to organize a dwarf birthday. How old are you today, Dís?"

"Forty," she answered reluctantly, not knowing what age meant to an immortal soul. Among the dwarfs, she had barely been an adult when she was pregnant with Fíli, and she was still a young dwarf. 

"A good age."

Dís didn't know what to answer. Despite the fact that he could have said that about every age, it didn't sound trite. 

They reached one of the many creeks of Rivendell. Dís was curious where Lord Elrond would take her, but she didn't dare to ask for a hint. If she had been with Arwen of Elrohir she might have asked it, but right now it seemed to undermine the surprise. 

The path they were following wasn't used by many. Small flowers were flourishing on the middle of the path, from time to time visited by insects. 

Dís looked at the small river at her right. The smooth surface of the water was disrupted by large water lilies with pink and purple flowers. Hundreds of dragonflies floated above them or balanced on the edge of the leaves. It was a beautiful sight, especially now the last sun beams where lighting them up like they were made of gold. 

For a moment Dís was lost in the beauty of this place, but she had the feeling her heart stopped beating when her hand accidentally touched Lord Elrond's. 

"Sorry," she muttered ashamed, folding her hands. Hearing those hasty words increased her shame and she turned away her face, hoping they were close to their destination. 

She deplored the fact that an unwind togetherness with Lord Elrond was impossible. Again and again she was contemplating her actions, and every word that slipped her lips sounded forced. She had no idea why she was paying so much attention to herself, and she neither knew what to do to get rid off that nasty feeling.

She peeked to the side, wondering if the elf lord was regretting this walk. It was hard to imagine that taking a walk with her was something he liked to do, for a conversation with the dragonflies around them was probably more interesting than a conversation with her. 

His glance was aimed in the distance, focusing on a spot Dís couldn't see. It felt like his thoughts were miles away, as if he wasn't thinking about her gift at all. He however proved her wrong when the path split and he directed her in the right direction. The grass was higher here, reaching up to her calves. Here and there was a marshy ground. The sound of a waterfall became audible as they moved on, the earth underneath her feet getting more and more unsteady. Dís really had no idea what the point of this was, and when Lord Elrond stood still, she did the same. 

"These are the sacred pools of Aulë, a place we seldom visit out of respect for the Valar. I want to offer you His clay, Dís, for I believe that you are blessed with a great creativity; you will be able to create artworks that exceed your wildest imagination. An ancient power is hidden in this clay, and I believe that you will be able to hear Aulë's hymn when your hands are touching His earth."

Dís was speechless. It was a gift that touched her heart, and it felt like Lord Elrond knew her better than anyone. Dresses and weapons were beautiful and she loved them, but it felt like the elf lord had looked deeper inside her, to what was living in her heart. 

"You like it?" Lord Elrond asked. 

His voice sounded hesitating and Dís doubted that she had shown him the respons he had hoped for. The umpteenth disappointment she had caused someone. 

"I don't know what to say," she said honestly. "This gift seems too big to accept."

Before her arrival she would never have said that about clay, but she lived long enough among the elves to know that a gift from the Valar was the highest good someone could achieve. As a patron of these lands Lord Elrond watched over its treasures and it was unbelievable that he wanted to share it with her. 

"The clay is created to use. I genuinely believe that your hands are very suited. Both my son and daughter are really impressed by your art. I'd like to see them with my own eyes."

A blush appeared on her cheeks. The first months she had mainly carved wood, but recently she had also started to mold. 

"You are always welcome."

The idea that Lord Elrond would visit her house made her heart squeeze and she hoped he didn't intend to do that any time soon. 

"You can gather the clay tomorrow," Lord Elrond said. "It's a shame if your new dress gets dirty." He looked up to the sky, which started to turn dark. "I fear we have to return, before dinner is cold."


	46. Thorin

Thorin hid a yawn behind his hand. The past days they had traveled long distances while disturbing thoughts had kept him from sleeping. Since Scar had told him what had happened to his people in the Blue Mountains, he kept thinking about the men he had left behind, together with their wives and children. 

They had fought side by side, and it was hard for him to accept that they hadn't succeeded in defending their stronghold. All he could do, was hope that some had escaped from the sword and would find a new place to live, like he had. 

Thorin however believed that he had made the right choice. If he had stayed with the others, his sister and her sons might have been dead by now. Knowing that they were safe now, eased his mind. 

Still, the thought about Dís weighed heavily on his heart. Today was her fortieth birthday. An important event and he hated the fact that he wasn't with her, especially because he had no idea how she was doing. Had she enjoyed the day? Was she a little more her old self now Fíli had returned? 

The not knowing made the search for his father more difficult, since his motivation sometimes vanished. Did it even make sense to look for his father? Shouldn't he have stayed with his sister, the only family member that was still alive? 

"Where's your head at?" 

Thorin was pulled out of his thoughts and looked to the side, to Elladan who was riding next to him. "Why?"

Elladan nodded forward. Thorin followed his gaze, discerning some plumes of smoke on the horizon. 

"We're nearing Pallan, a small community of humans."

"Good."

Elladan's observing eyes didn't leave Thorin's face, and he shrugged. 

"It's Dís' birthday today. I feel bad for not being around."

"You could have waited."

Thorin swallowed a sigh. Most elves knew pretty well how to smooth things over, but Elladan was an exception. He was always straight as an arrow. 

The thought that he had abandoned his sister, plagued him more and more. Back then he hadn't known what to do with her behavior, making him feel frustrated. Now he felt selfish. The elf community had caused a tightness in his chest and he had wished to ride through the forests and across the fields again. Right now, his missing father felt like a lame excuse. Something he didn't want to admit to his companions, for they had joined him to support him. 

Well, at least Elladan. Why Scar was still around, was a mystery. 

"I just hope she found back her old self."

Elladan glanced at him, but said nothing. For a moment Thorin wished that Elrohir had been at his side, who would have told him that everything was gonna be okay with Dís. 

Elladan however never said anything he wasn't fully convinced of and since his mother's departure had been caused by grief, he knew that not all sadness was molded into some new form of happiness. 

"I wouldn't worry about your sister now if I were you."

Thorin looked over his shoulder. He hadn't even noticed that Scar had came so close. Her eyes were aimed at the mountainside to their right and it didn't take long before he realized that her comment wasn't meant to assure him. 

"We're being watched."

 


	47. Dís

Together with Lord Elrond Dís left the sacred pools of Aulë. She looked forward to get her hands on the clay. Her thoughts wandered off to the different shapes she wanted to make, and she was so immersed by her ideas that she forgot she wasn't alone. 

The snap of a twig underneath the foot of her companion brought her back to reality. She felt ashamed for forgetting about the Elf Lord. Skittishly she looked to the side, and her cheeks turned red when the elf caught her glance and showed her a small smile. 

Somehow Dís managed to smile back, but thereafter she didn't dare to look at him again. Her heart was beating like crazy and she felt so hot that she was almost about to cool off in the river. 

The restlessness Lord Elrond caused, was worrying her. As inconspicuously as she could, she wiped her clammy hands on the fabric of her dress, looking for words to break the awkward silence. Lord Elrond seemed like a man enjoying the quiet, but it made Dís feel feverish. She however couldn't come up with a topic to talked about, and she started to hum. 

"How is Fíli?" Lord Elrond asked after a while, as if her humming told him that the silence was almost killing her. "Does he act different since he is back?"

Dís suppressed a sigh. "He acts like he's an adult. As if he has lost his childhood." She bit the inside of her cheek. "Something that shouldn't have happened within twenty years." Instinctively she rubbed her belly. It was only ten years ago that she was carrying him inside her womb, but the way he was formulating his sentences now and thought about certain matters, called up the presumption that it was a lot longer ago. 

"I am officially full-grown today," she muttered. "It feels wrong that my son gives the impression to share the same age."

"Age is just a number, Dís," Lord Elrond assured her. "We are formed by the things we go through, and unfortunately that is a lot in your case. I don't think Fíli is skipping his youth, but he will experience it in a different way than his peers. Moreover, there are only elves with whom he spends his time." He looked at her. "Is the absence of other dwarfs worrying you?"

Dís shrugged her shoulders. She was more worried by the fact that he had been gone for weeks, in which he had learned Black Speech and had befriended a warg. 

"That's just how it is. At least I don't have to fear for his life around here."

Unless the pale orc would show himself. A shiver crept down her spine. Was it no time to inform him about the evil they were hiding from? 

They reached the end of the path. They would be together for only a few more moments and Dís knew that wasn't enough to tell him about Azog. Besides, she didn't want to allow the creature to overshadow this delightful day. 

* * *

Dís stood in the middle of the circle. She was wearing the dress and crown Arwen had given her. In the background sounded the play of a harpist. 

Her sons were both holding her hand and she had closed her eyes. A hand rested up on her forehead before Lord Elrond's words filled her ears. 

 _"'Aa' lasser en lle coia orn n' omenta gurtha_  
Aa' i'sul nora lanne'lle  
Aa' menle nauva calen ar' ta hwesta e' ale'quenle  
Aa' menealle nauva calen ar' malta'"

She didn't understand Sindarin that well that she knew what he was saying, but he translated the words to the common tongue a moment later. 

"May the leaves of your life tree never turn brown   
May the wind fill your sails  
May thy paths be green and the breeze on thy back  
May your ways be green and golden."

Dís had never been blessed and the palm of his hand on her forehead felt strange. Would it help? Would his words bring prosperity? Had his words the power to make her ways green and even golden, instead of dull and dark? 

Dís hoped so with all of her heart, but deep down she doubted it. The elves were powerful, but they might upset the Valar by giving a dwarf a blessing that was meant for elves. Maybe they would become wrathful now, so that more distress was on its way...

 


	48. Thorin

Thorin scoured the mountainside, but his eyes weren't as good as those of the two elves. The time he had spent in Imladris, hadn't changed that. 

"What do you see?" he asked Scar. 

He noticed that his pony was nervous too. She was scraping with her hooves across the ground, moving her head more skittishly than before. 

"Wargs."

Thorin's stomach cringed. He had hoped that their confrontation with the orcs and their mounts would lie further in the future. 

"They've probably smelled your warg." It wasn't his goal to blame her; it was just his process of reasoning he had spoken out loud. 

Scar however seemed to interpret his words differently; her eyes became terrifying cold. "They're rather attracted to your dwarf blood," she grunted. "They'll chose that over the blood of their kin."

Thorin shivered. Being torn apart by a warg was one of the most dishonorable deaths he could think of. Frightened, he glanced upwards. The setting sun made the shadows creep down, toying with his imagination. Against his better judgement he hoped the same went for Scar. "How many?" He had no idea what to do. Scurrying out like little mice seemed the wisest thing to do, but he didn't want to be a coward. 

"Too many," she answered. "I'll talk to them."

Thorin's mouth dropped open. "Are you insane? They will kill you!"

"Stop being a fool," she snapped. "Move on."

He exchanged a look with Elladan, who shrugged his shoulders. Thorin wondered what the cause of his indifference was; did he believe that Scar would be fine or didn't he care if she would lose her life? 

Elladan kicked the horse and Thorin did the same. He couldn't believe he was allowing a woman to face a pack of orcs on her own, even when it was Scar. But rationally he could convince himself that she was in good relations with orcs. Or not? Doubts arose; it was hard to believe that  _anyone_ could be friends with orcs. Or with Scar.

After a few meters Thorin looked over his shoulder, but she was already halfway the hill. 

"With a little luck we can shake her off now," Elladan said. 

His words startled Thorin. "What do you mean?"

The elf rolled his eyes. "You can't trust her. Take my word for it; she didn't come with us to find your father."

"Then why did she join us?"

Elladan shrugged his shoulders. "If I had known that, I was probably dead by now."

Thorin remained silent. He didn't know if Elladan was overreacting, but this felt unfair to Scar. Right now she was talking to the orcs who were chasing after  _them._ He wouldn't even have noticed them if it wasn't for her, so it felt ungrateful to have these dark thoughts about her. 

Still, Elladan's words didn't leave his mind. For why  _did_ she want to come with them? 

 


End file.
